Son: how will I know when I’m a grown-up?
Me: certain foods will make your stomach hurt.
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I made the mistake of telling my son I found a hair on my chin and now he keeps calling me Pops
Wait a second…
stop being so defensive i am just trying to hit you with weapons
the greatest twitter interaction
Hike up your waders, it’s time for our village’s annual gravy harvest
I just ordered a set of dumbbells, so that’ll be a fun new thing to trip over while I search for the remote.
Tweet thieves know how to take a joke.
My dad just tried to lecture me about mountain weather conditions and what I should be packing for our five day hike. WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU CLIMBED A MOUNTAIN DAD? I’M 40 YEARS OLD AND I’LL PACK WHAT I WANT. YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME. GAWD.
*falls off log and dies
Me: hey, I’m looking for an email.
iPhone mail: this one from 2012, unrelated to your search?
Me: no it was last week
iPhone: can’t find it.
I don’t really argue with people. They just all end up washing ashore miles away under mysterious circumstances.
I wore a training bra for years and these things still don’t listen to a word I say
I nominate Chris Brown to dump a bucket of boiling hot water on himself & to raise awareness for domestic violence.
It’s not summer until you put on your bikini and realize it probably wasn’t a good idea to eat 9,000 lbs of skittles, starbursts, and sour patch kids all year.
Cop: Do you have any drugs in the car?
Me: Nope, payday isn’t until Thursday.
Me: Our kids are finally at an age where we can sleep in on week-
Youth sports: Let me stop you right there.
My dogs have requested that I stop trying to homeschool them.
Snow White: Someday my prince will come
Prince Charming: I swear this has never happened before
“Does anyone else smell barbecue, or is it just me?”
– Joan of Arc
*leper colony removes ‘A Farewell to Arms’ from it’s ‘suggested reading list’
Sitting here reminiscing about the 3 times I went to the gym in 2019.
If you wear a falconry glove to the park and frantically look around the sky everyone with a small dog will leave.
Nurse: ‘Have you had any adverse reactions to vaccines previously?’
Me: ‘I understand I screamed a lot as a child.’
ME: here’s your bday present!
BUDDY: [tries to grab it but it won’t budge] did u wrap your own hand flipping the bird again
ME: just open it
doctor: i have the results of your cholesterol test
me: did i pass? haha
doctor: no but you will very soon
I don’t want a sensible dinner I want an imbecilic dinner
Son: *placing Dunkin Donuts order* So you want a latté?
Me: Nah I just want a little.
Son: …goddammit Mom…
Who knew that a fighter jet could be a flight risk?
I forgot my cell phone at home and had to write my grocery list on paper. I shopped with it in my hand like some kind of a carrier pigeon.
Someone told me they dont get tattoos cuz “you dont put bumper stickers on a Ferrari” which was weird bc he was a 92 Chevy caprice at best
I ran without my headphones today & was reminded that I feel better about my fitness when my soundtrack isn’t my panicked gasping breathing.