Me: This “Fear the Walking Dead” show is really creepy.
Wife: This is the Video Music Awards.
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Me: when I was your age we had nine planets
6: what happened? We only have 8 now.
Me: aliens destroyed one because the kids wouldn’t keep their room clean.
6: 😳
Hubby: um honey…
Me: what? It’s better than the truth!
Today we pretended we were dining out and it felt so real because right after the first bite my kids decided to go potty
When you played marbles, the only goal was to win more marbles. No one asked stupid questions like why’d you want more marbles.
Happy 5 year anniversary to the photo frames sitting on the floor of my bedroom waiting to be hung up “when I get a minute”.
ME: Happiness often sneaks in through a door that you didn’t realize you left open.
ANIMAL CONTROL OFFICER: You weren’t supposed to name the raccoon before we got here-
My Life Alert bracelet says: “don’t let them get away with this”
I don’t want to brag but I’ve already started my holiday weight gain.
I just hit the back arrow on a website and it took me to a page that said “before you leave” no. I already made the decision.
[2 days into diet]
Gluten: come back baby I promise I’ll change
[zombies eating me]
Zombie 1: does he taste funny to you?
Zombie 2: no, he tastes like he’s trying too hard
Brain: Follow your heart
Heart: Go with your gut
Gut: Pick the grilled cheese
Thought I was having the worst day a person could have and then heard the guy in the next stall whisper to himself, “Well, that can’t be good.”
[David Attenborough voice]
and although the female human is no longer hungry she returns once more to the fridge.
I can’t believe I have to say this every year. Don’t share lip balm, you guys. That’s how the dry skin spreads.
Me: this is shit, I’m changing the channel
Wife: leave the baby monitor alone
If you make fun of a guy named Terry and he shoots you dead, you have died of dissin’ Terry…
… don’t get up. I’ll show myself out.
Aquarius: This week you’re feeling crafty. How many household items can you turn into a shank?
Little Kid: wanna hear a joke?
Me: life is meaningless without death
Little Kid: why did the chicken cro- wait what?
As a kid, I had to be careful not to curse around adults. Now as an adult, I have to be careful not to curse around kids.
People obsessed with how much I bench need to #chill. It’s not like Coke publishes their recipe online for morrons to study.
Idea: a neck tattoo that depicts a man having an unsuccessful job interview because of his neck tattoo
Her: you’re damaged goods
Me *thinking*: she thinks I’m good!
Canadian Tinder users are 56% male, 44% female and 33% holding a fresh trout
Wait a minute…
Girlfriend: [breaking up with me by phone] Hopefully someday it’ll be clear but you and I are not the same.
Me: Obviously not. They’re two different letters.
*click
NEW ROOMMATE: What’s mine is yours.
[30 seconds later]
NEW ROOMMATE: I need my wheelchair back.
I want to win a contest where you get a line in a movie. And I want that line to be about the chili dog I’m eating. And I’m going to keep screwing up that line. And they’re going to have to keep bringing me chili dogs.
[inventing wedding dresses]
a massive skirt!
more skirt!
MORE
now, put a skirt over her face!
god ya that’s the stuff
My daughter claimed that her knife skills are better than Chef Ramsay’s. So I tossed her a potato and asked her to peel it and she said, “With a knife?”
Don’t worry Chef Ramsay, your job is safe!