If you watch Titanic backwards it’s about a boy named Jack who leaves his underwater home, saves a rich lady, puts a sinking ship back together through sheer power of will and then becomes super poor and dirty
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*sees baby*
*crouches down, does some cute baby talk*
*no reaction from baby*
*stands up slowly*
You’ve made a powerful enemy today, baby
[Court]
Me: My tweets go through a rigorous review process
Judge: Are they reviewed by other idiots?
M: *lips on mic* irrelevant, your honor
Early morning sibling drama: 4 is upset with 6 because he told 4 everyone in the family featured in his fun dream except her because his dream “was limited to those aged 6+.”
Sorry kids, no visiting the chocolate factory till you finish your tour of the slaughterhouse
Wonders if chickens do the funky people.
Executioner: What do you want for your last meal?
Me: Can it be anything
Executioner: Yes
Me: I would like to eat a A318 Airbus
waiter my bone broth tastes like a boiled bone
pantsless bc the day after international women’s day means women are half off
Yes indeed, I am a morning person. Morning naps are my favorite
Mrs goat: I’m pregnant
Mr goat: You’re kidding
Mrs goat: Literally yes
Me: dude I don’t need this sort of negativity in my life right now
Bear attacking me: [bear noises]
Still my favorite television listing of all time:
[concert]
lead singer: HOW WE DOING TONIGHT, INDIANAPOLIS?!?
me, from the back of the venue: I DROVE IN FROM A NEIGHBORING SUBURB SO I DON’T FEEL COMFORTABLE ANSWERING FOR THOSE LIVING IN THE ACTUAL CITY!
England’s gonna have a rude awakening when they go to war and all their knights are actors and musicians.
Me: *enters Manager’s office wearing a pheasant face mask*
Manager: *sighs* “You know full well what I meant when I said that you needed your game face on for the meeting today”
“Do you really let your dog sleep in the bed with you??”
My dog:
Looking forward to the video call with my mother and having a hearty conversation with her magnified thumb
Friend: Just make sure you compliment her on something you’ve observed
[On a date]
Me: You’re really good at eating
me: i want to save this document
computer: great, just click save
me: ok i want to save it as something else
computer: easy, save as
me: amazing! i’m gonna save it as a pdf
computer: print
my doctor asked if it burns when I pee. I said only when it gets in my eyes.
My body says you’re tired go to sleep, my mind says have you ever thought about why only elephants have knees like ours.
When skinny girls say “I’m so fat” to fish for a compliment from me, I just agree.
I tried bringing sexy back, but it scratched me, scampered away, and hid under a car.
A chameleon and a ninja walk into a bar.
Neither one can get the bartender’s attention.
I love travelling because I love to check if I have my passport every 3-4 minutes 🥰
Officer: Do you know why I stopped you?
Me: Um…could you give me a hint?
O: You were sp–
M: No, don’t tell me-I said a hint.
O: Sir…
Because of social distancing if someone cuts you off and gives you the finger you can’t get out and fight them which is why I now carry a jousting lance in the Jeep.
My wife bought me a nice jacket at a second hand store but it has the name Bubba embroidered on it, I guess I’m Bubba now.
Husband: I don’t understand
Kids: MOM MOM
H: how we are not
K: DAD DAD
H: able to get
K: MOM MOM
H: more done around the house?
Kids: MOM DAD MOM DAD MOM DAD
H: Never mind.