[the city, seeing a marching band]
DAD: Son when you grow up, would you be the savior of the broken, the beaten and the damned?
ME: i’m 6
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I’m writing code, not making diamonds. Continuing to apply more and more pressure will not produce a better outcome.
Want guests to leave early? Don’t give them your WiFi password
You’re welcome
“I wouldn’t wish that on my worst enemy ” well I would. Step aside
I spent over $200 at the grocery store yesterday which means there will be no food in my house by tomorrow.
My southern mother passive-aggressively reorganized my refrigerator in the ten minutes she was left alone with it and now I can’t find the cream cheese
OBAMA: I want to close Gitmo
GOP: no
OBAMA: But you haven’t even—
GOP: no
OBAMA: …
GOP: no
OBAMA: I’m resigning
GOP: no
OBAMA: haha gotcha
I woke up and did 75 crunches.
Cap’n Crunches, but still.
I had to break up with my veterinarian girlfriend. She was always trying to put me down.
Fitness bloggers are like, “Just fill your cabinets with healthy food.” You mean my spice museums?!
so no one told you life was gonna be this way
Today I was seated next to lovely, glowing, first-time pregnant woman, who looked me in the face and told me her child will be a mellow introvert. I let her have the moment.
me (googling): sexy green m&m
fbi agent monitoring me: oh god not this again
Spent the day dressed as a bee, gently bumping myself against my neighbor’s sliding-glass door. Got the hose twice.
Ice cream guys gotta be furious about the moment food trucks are having. They spend hot summers driving around neighborhoods in search of a clientele with basically no money. Food trucks just drop anchor in an office park and suddenly everyone loses their shit for grilled cheese.
When your friends are on their phones, but you ran out of things to check
Teens: Euphoria from a first kiss
Twenties: Euphoria from skydiving
Forties: Euphoria from a price adjustment at Target
Found an m&m on the floor. It’s been there all night, but I figure that’s well past the statute of limitations on the 5 second rule.
Anyway, once I brushed off the cat hair it tasted fine.
Peace was never an option
[first date]
Him: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a meteorologist.
Him: Cool. I love meat.
*wife grabs my wrist as I go overboard*
Her: You’re… slipping…
Me: Pretend I’m the covers.
*she easily pulls me to safety with one arm*
video game drill sergeant: alright you worthless puke! try using your WASD keys to walk around the room!
me: [walks around the room]
video game drill sergeant: that is out-standing! you’re one of the finest soldiers ive ever laid my eyes on!
I just got a call from my gym asking me if I want to upgrade to two visits per year.
IF YOU KIDS DON’T COME BACK TO THIS TABLE AND FINISH YOUR LUNCH RIGHT NOW, I SWEAR I WILL SIGH HEAVILY, EAT IT MYSELF AND GAIN 3 POUNDS.
If I was a vampire, pretty sure I’d find a way to cover blood in cheese.
Moist people aren’t offended by the occasional typo.
I was going to eat a healthy snack, then I remembered that time when Eve ate an apple. Figured, it’s better not risk it.
If you’re about to be attacked by a bear, just dress up as a pirate. It won’t help you survive but it’ll make an interesting headline.
Why do we need to learn History? George Washington didn’t need it and he was a King.
[news anchor]
“Up next, can more sex lead to a healthier & happier-”
*wife changes channel*