First date idea: we list fictional characters that we would both punch in the face
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Was driving to a doctor’s appointment and ended up at my favorite donut shop so life does find a way
gently explaining to Cathy that in Canada you don’t open google maps and type “Tim Hortons” you just drive 3 minutes in literally any direction
A couple is asleep when their doorbell rings at 3am.
The wife shakes the husband and says “Honey, there’s someone at the door.”
The husband, irritated gets up and opens the door to an obviously drunk man.
“Can I help you?”
“Could you give me a push?” asks the drunk man.…
I used to mix metaphors but that ship has flown.
Chamomile tea makes chamomile pee.
Bursting from my chair, I pound a fist on the boardroom table. Everyone’s gasps turn to cheers as I lift my hand to reveal the dead mosquito
I think it’s sad that getting married is one of the only ways to guarantee somebody will be forced to make a speech about how great you are
6yo (to her crying brother): “It’s okay to be sad, sometimes we need to let our feelings out, just let yourself be sad.”
Me: “Oh darling, that’s so lovely, well done. Why is he crying?”
6yo: “I hit him.”#mumlife
BOSS: We need to improve morale
ME: Okay
BOSS: How about an office party?
ME: [crosses out “replace coworkers with puppies”] I guess
[two australians playing chess in a restaurant]
check, mate
*everyone explodes*
every coat is a fur coat when your cat sleeps on it
Why is it called “gym rat”? Why can’t I be a “gym koala” or a “gym panda”?
[to the realtor showing me a property on sesame street] wait is that a vampire
ʎɐqǝ uo pɹɐoqʎǝʞ ɐ ʎnq ı ǝɯıʇ ʇsɐן ǝɥʇ sı sıɥʇ
If they worked, nobody would own more than one self-help book.
Told my kid he better not steal another candy bar cuz “we don’t have time to get arrested” if you’re looking for a parenting role model.
*paying $40 to go into a haunted house*
finally a peaceful refuge to get away from how scary the world is right now
Sorry, I sometimes blackmail people when I’m nervous….
Was listening to Linkin Park and a student said “I didn’t know you liked oldies!”
This guy poured his box of raisinets directly into his bag of popcorn at the movie counter. After my initial shock I bowed to him.
My neighbor told me to close the curtains when I’m naked, but then I don’t get that cool sensation of pressing up against the window glass
I found the felon who is responsible for your lost socks. Already convicted of other crimes. It’s the fitted sheet. You’re welcome
My kid asked me for a boomerang so I handed him the apple that has gone back and forth in his lunch for the past week
my tinder date ended up being a bald mannequin i was so embarrassed at the restaurant and then at the hotel
Since wine is made from grapes its technically accurate to say I did a fruit juice cleanse for New Years Eve.
Who knew opening this jar marked DANGER: Baby Spiders DO NOT OPEN would turn into such a can of worms
Dropped my Ant Farm and now the rug is like the first 30-minutes of Saving Private Ryan.
Girlfriend: hey babe you wanna get breakfast and go for a run?
(Cut to me with a mouth full of Doritos)
Me: I have shin splints
My kids love playing pretend. My 9yo pretends to be a dinosaur and my 13yo pretends she doesn’t know us.
Nurse: we need to draw some blood
Me with a fine arts degree: *hastily reaches into backpack* i saved my good marker for this