I’m a girl that your mother could love. From a distance. Maybe you just show her a picture, and make a lot of shit up.
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Whole Foods announced that a Prius left their lights on in the parking lot and now I have the store all to myself.
Took the road less travelled after telling the wife that we didn’t need to stop and ask for directions.
My mother-in-law showed up 3 hours early for Thanksgiving.
-my suicide note
Me: [to 15 yr old] “You already eat?”
15: “ya”
Me: “What colour’d you use?”
15: “I used orange.”
Me: “Cool. I’ll use a white.”
– mac n cheese has it’s own language.
My wife has so many different sighs they should have subtitles.
Dating Tip:
Surprise the woman you are courting with a bouquet of cats
POLICE OFFICER: Your name?
MAN: The Rock.
POLICE OFFICER: Your FULL name?
MAN: [quietly] Theodore Rockinghorse.
Taking my husband’s last name doesn’t mean I’m not a feminist it means I don’t want anyone I went to high school with to be able to find me ever again
I just heard an add on the radio stressing the importance of healthy muscles and it inspired me to bend my elbows more while eating cake.
I love when Scandinavian people on internet forums are like “Sorry for the bad English, I still have a considerable amount to learn about your language, again I apologize for my diction which is likely quite malformed,”
i’m gonna write my will in cursive. if you want your inheritance, you’re gonna have to work for it
[after death]
me: what is this place?
guy: purgatory. you hang out until we decide if you’re going to heaven or hell
me: while i wait can you tell me a purgastory lol
guy: hell it is
“Is that on Netflix?” I ask, with no intention of ever watching it
When you’re anti-social, knowing you’re not alone is both comforting and disconcerting.
*Arrives in Hell*
Devil: Here, help these 5th graders with common core math
Don’t try to fix your computer the same day you quit drinking. You. Will. Relapse.
I think we should have a suggestion box at work but there’s no way for me to bring it up.
[wears my camouflage hat] where’s my camouflage hat
Police:Is there anything you can tell us about your attacker.
Me:He was much better at fighting than me.
Police:Ok is there anything else?
You ever do something so stupid, your mouth refuses to work so you can’t tell on yourself?
INTERVIEWER: describe yourself with one adjective
ME: [from left side of room] pendulous
INTERVIEWER: huh?
ME: [from right side of room] you heard me
Daughter has amputated three dolls in the span of twelve hours. Really hoping our dog is smart enough to stay away from her.
If I’m on a date and can’t think of anything to say I just make it look like I’m busy trying to figure out what a smell on my fingers is
found a guy hanging out in an alley in palm springs
just tried to put my phone in my pocket when i was wearing a towel so things are going great
*In a meeting room with a Prenatal Vitamin company*
Guy1: “So, you know how these women are pregnant, right?”
G2: “Yes”
G1: “And they’re nauseous and can’t swallow anything”
G2: “Right.”
G1: “What if we made the pill comically large?”
G2: “YES”
G1: “and it stinks”
G2: “GENIUS!”
First date:
*don’t let her know you’re a tyranosaurus, don’t let her know yo..*
Her: So, what do you do for a liv-
*bites her in half*
Every history textbook chapter should start with “everyone was just minding their own business, and THEN”
wait, do bisexuals experience sexual attraction twice a year or once every two years
Waking up an hour early gives you an extra hour to wish you were still in bed.