Me: So excited for the weekend!
Predatory alien in disguise: Same here! Sooo easy to catch, right
M: Huh
P: The weakened
M: What
P: What
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How dude HOW?!
dad: what should we name him
mom: something beautiful
dad: something unique
mom: any ideas
dad: matt
mom: ok
Nothing makes me feel more “white collar” than when I’m nodding my head at someone pointing to a line graph that I know nothing about.
*throws back out*
Back: Let me back in baby, I can change.
judge: on the count of homicide how do you plead
owl chiropractor: a simple misunderstanding your honor
ME: *eating fast food*
VEGAN GUY: You eat that stuff?
ME: Yeah
VG: That stuff is gonna kill you
ME: *visibly annoyed* not soon enough
Don’t Photoshop them into your profile pic after the first date. That’s weird. Wait until the second one.
Plummeting toward the ground, my primary chute failed, I have a glimmer of hope: my backup chute. Grabbing it, I yell over the screaming wind, “Go get help, boy!” and send it off. Hopefully it will return in time.
what’s the medical term for a female-to-male gender reassignment surgery? an addadictomy
This year for Halloween I’m putting my kids in a giant bowl on the front step with a sign that says Please Take One.
I have never bought a snack faster on name alone in my life.
The government always waits until the last minute to prevent a shutdown, much like my approach to paying taxes.
Mongoose is French for “my goose.”
Man claims world will end Saturday. My producer tried to book him for an interview tomorrow. He said he wasn’t available until next week.
The longer I stay home, the more homeless I look
Everyone: backing into parking spaces is stupid
Person who backs into parking spaces: the world is not ready for my level of ingenuity
when your Amazon order arrives and you think to yourself “this is some real bullshit right here”
Last year I had no valentine, this year I also have no valentine. Consistency 🙏🏾
Restaurant Customer: clarified butter please
Waiter: (points to butter) THIS IS BUTTER
The glory of fall.
Me: I’m a solid eight
Friend: Wow. Out of ten?
Me: What lol god no
My right eye is twitching like it’s at some kind of techno dance party that the rest of me wasn’t invited to.
Attack today with a positive attitude. Absolutely destroy it with good vibes. Murder its family with hope.
I told my kids I’d rather they “pull the plug” than let me live in a vegetative state dependent on machines.
So they hid my phone charger.
I hate it when people try to use big words when they clearly don’t know their meaning. It makes them sound so gelatinous and isosceles.
How am I supposed to be professional when something at work is called a dongle?
6:00am: I’ll go to the gym in 20 minutes
6:20am: I’ll go to the gym in 10 minutes
6:30am: I’ll go to the gym in 5 minutes
6:35am: I’ll go to the gym in 2 minutes
6:37am: What time does McDonald’s open
[arrest]
ME: you’ve got the wrong g-
COP: tell it to the judge
[court]
ME: your honor, that cop has the wrong glasses for his face shape
[pulled over]
COP 1: any drugs or alcohol in the car?
ME: no
COP 2: told you he was a nerd
ME: nuh uh I have so much drugs
COP 1: lol gotcha