It’s been a really expensive month for the last 125 months.
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Like boxes of shit in your house? Get a cat.
Is the stick figure with the halo on the back of the minivan the dead kid or the really good one? I’m too scared to ask.
Make someone’s head explode by accusing them of being in denial, then nodding condescendingly as they try to deny it.
The rare times my cat comes to me for affection, I run and hide under the bed, so she knows what that feels like.
First time flying huh?
-Yeah how could you tell?
Just a hunch. You wanna come down to your seat? The overhead bin is typically for luggage.
just saw Gravity. excuse me while I go hug the earth.
Clean sheet day!!
*brushes Pringles crumbs over to his side of the bed*
A toaster is the ultimate bath bomb
How to find out if you old.
(Fall down in front of a group of people.)
If they laugh, you are young.
If they panic, you are old.
Dating Tip:
Surprise the woman you are courting with a bouquet of cats
[peeing behind a tree]
bonsai artist: I have restrooms
ME: *exists*
KID: that’s not how mommy does it
Always be kind. You never know who has subscriptions to your favorite streaming apps.
we did it you guys we saved daylight
*sends you a 13-page love letter & introduces you to my parents in order to scare your hiccups away*
*you’re cured*
some women wear fake wedding rings in public so they don’t get hit on but I swear by my floor-length victorian widow’s veil
[being strapped to a medieval torture table]
“tbh not what I thought you meant when you said you were going to show me a nice rack”
Him: Don’t get your panties in a bunch.
Me: It’s called a bulk pack, Todd. That’s how Costco sells them.
I once told a guy that I knew he liked me when he went out of his way to help me move and he replied, “oh, no, I just helped you coz I’m a good friend.”
“That’s herpes”
-my response anytime someone asks me to look at their rash.
I was watching a murder show set in Idaho and realized I had never been to Idaho and it looked so gorgeous so I said I would like to visit Idaho.
Husband, “You are by far the weirdest woman I have ever met.”
I had a really good charcoal fire going and now there’s nothing grillable left in the house.
[before humans were invented]
animals: this is nice
I bet someone said “Do what makes you happy” to Hitler too.
Hate it when you’re getting rad footage of an accident scene to put on Facebook & some loser says “Hey, aren’t you the paramedic we called?”
THERAPIST: what’s wrong?
WIFE: he makes us watch Gladiator every single day!
ME: ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?
How are we supposed to fear a storm named Grayson? I’m fighting an urge to iron its prep school uniform or ask it for investment advice.
My kid got so bored he asked to do chores, so if you need me, I’ll be over here on my fainting couch
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a parapsychologist.
Me: Cool! Is it difficult talking people into jumping out of planes?
*pulls the pin on a can of Axe body spray*
*lobs it into your open car window as you drive by*