It’s so cute, whenever I sing along to an 80’s song, my kids ask me how I remember the words because I’m “so old”.
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I have no idea how other people get off the plane looking lovely when I look like a grease covered cheese puff someone found at the bottom of their purse
It’s all about how much devastation you can leave in your wake.
-kids
If we’re ever drunk together and I say “trust me, this will be fun”, run faster than me or have bail money ready.
Me: I’m having a heart attack.
BFF: you are not.
Me: I am *burp* oh nevermind
*Woman throws a drink in my face but I swallow it all perfectly*
7: “I know why pee is yellow. Because you have to squeeze to get pee out, like a lemon.”
‘I’ve been published!”
My wife: Calm down you wrote an Amazon review.
Boss: you look a bit lost
Me: Yeah, sometimes I really wish I’d listened to you
Boss: About what
Me: Dunno. I wasn’t listening
Post-it Note stuck to desk: Stop wasting Post-it Notes!
Movies led me to believe there would be a whole lot more unlocked cars just sitting around with the keys tucked away in the overhead visor.
[runs into old friend]
FRIEND: How are the kids?
ME: Good. Both out of the house now.
FRIEND: You feeling “empty nest syndrome?”
ME: What’s that?
FRIEND: Sad and lonely because they’re gone.
ME: *snort laughs*
[feudal japan]
ME: we are disgraced! we must commit sudokuOTHER SAMURAI: *disemboweling himself* it’s called seppuku
ME: *sharpening pencil* you do you buddy
Noah’s wife: the ark is falling apart
Noah: glue might work, I have an idea
Horse: it’s weird he brought 3 of us
Once while eating bacon I said I was “getting piggy with it” and now I have no friends.
In the bathroom:
Me: *Meticulously manscapes*
Plumber: “Please don’t do that while I am in here.”
Trivia: Bugs Bunny was originally named “Insects Rabbit” and his catchphrase was, “What is transpiring, Physician?”
What’s sadder, the end of “Titanic” or my son’s face when I ask him to explain Bitcoin again?
Say what you want about me but at least I’ve never looked surprised in a selfie
Especially if it’s THAT one … 🤣
CNN: The alien invasion has begun
British person: I’ll put the kettle on
Me: Guys, please, I just need 5 minutes without a question, so I can finish this.
4yos:
Me:
4yos:
Me:
4yo: Why do you need 5 minutes, Daddy?
*looks up*
*looks down*
*looks up*
*looks down*
*turns blueprints over*“Shit.”
Me: *finally finds the motivation to do a computer task that I’ve been procrastinating for months*
Laptop: TIME TO UPDATE LOSER
just because it’s a bad idea doesn’t mean that it ain’t gonna be a hell of a lot of fun
“Hey pregnant, I’m dad”
….
….
….
…..
“Oh god wait.”
“Everything I touch just turns to shit!”
– Large intestines
Can we stop making up bullshit words like ‘peopling’ and ‘taxes’?
I’ll smash someone’s car window on a hot day if I see they’ve left a chocolate bar melting inside.
Always remember, if you ever need me, I’m just several phone calls and unread texts away.
Every once in a while in a bag of peanut m&m’s you get that one roundboi that has no peanut and it’s just a thicc m&m and that’s the m&m i’d like to be if I were an m&m