Elliott didn’t care about E.T. He just wanted a flying bike.
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Art by Pastelkatto
My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.
Me: I think I’ll leave my car windows cracked so it’s not so hot later
Pollen: lol, ok
God grant me the audacity of my 7 year old who lost a tooth this morning and then asked me if the tooth fairy would give her a tenner because she yanked it out herself.
After the loss of his beloved childhood pet Mr. Wiggles, Javier decided to dedicate his life to helping others avoid that kind of heartbreak.
Me: Damn. Another gray hair. *plucks it*
Old man standing next to me: Ouch!
Who called it life jacket not aquaguard
[finishes a 15 minute drum solo] I think that answers your question, your honor.
ME:[just inaugurated as president] Where’s the nuke button
ADVISOR: why
ME:[crumpling photo of my 5th grade bully] I just wanna see it
me: welcome to todays episode of cribs! this crib has a bouncy castle, lets check it out
[45 mins later]
camera man: should we see other stuff now?
me: *out of breath* no
All great Italian chefs smoke. That’s how they time their cooking. For example, spaghetti boils for 1 cigarette.
Current fitness level: arm is tired from brushing teeth.
Mom, look at my diarrhea.
— My 5yo holding up the diary I bought him at his school’s Scholastic book fair
Millennial: OMG, you don’t even know how to make a gif? That’s so tragic to me right now. Can you at least make a meme?
Me: I own a house.
I keep finding chocolate wrappers on the ground and I’m so disappointed in my daughter. I thought I raised her better to hide the evidence.
[i see a hot girl walking her dog]
me: hi, can i ask you a question?
her: hi, uh, sure
me: i was talking to your dog
her: oh haha ok
me: *crouches down* hey buddy, your owner is hot, can you put in a good word for me
If this guy doesn’t stop staring at my boobs, well then, I’m just gonna have to wear this shirt more often.
[last night]
*gets drunk*
*can’t remember if I fed the dog*
*ends up feeding her 5 times*[tonight]
*comes home*
dog *hands me a beer*
Me in tagged photos
Deleted old tweets just in case i date a very famous woman with rabid fans
18-22 is a confusing age. I got friends getting married, some in prison, and some still have to ask their parents to stay out past curfew.
I try to often think “human meat is gristly” in case hungry aliens are reading my thoughts
NO CONDOM FOREVER! or whatever tf black panther said
*drinks Grey Goose
*adds bird fanatic to the resume
“what’s your favorite childhood memory?”
not going to work.
What do you call the sexual orientation where you’re attracted to both and men and women but they’re not attracted to you?
Bi-yourself.
I tried to cook beef Wellington. It was just beef Okayington
Just heard my son say to his friend “you’re probably dumber than your own controller” – what kind of child is my Xbox raising?!
Hi, I’m pleased to announce that I’ve arrived just in time to make everything worse