Tuba = Terrible Underwater Breathing Apparatus
You Might Also Like
[arriving in hell]
him: so what did you do?
me: *wearing a v neck t-shirt under a v neck pullover* no idea
I know I couldn’t handle being in a position of power because when I’m the banker in Monopoly I steal money
Cartoons led me to believe cities were filled with more folks trying to catch dogs in nets on sticks.
Playing ‘chef’ with my 7yo, he poured me an imaginary beer and said “the beer is always free here,” in case you’re looking for the best make-believe restaurant in town.
Obligatory April 25th Meme Tweet 😆
If a whale bit my leg, I would simply pursue him relentlessly until my obsessive hatred became my undoing
7 year old neighbor informed me that they weren’t feelin’ my musical tastes this morning, so I’m not feeling giving him a ride anymore
For a good party trick, drill a hole in the top of your medicine cabinet and fill it with marbles before you invite people over.
Trying to pay for a $10 item with a 5 dollar bill and explaining that the bill is double sided
DOCTOR: congratulations it’s a baby-
ME: giraffe?
DOCTOR: what? No. It’s a boy. A human boy.
ME: *looks at wife* you lied to me
[a guy walking his dog grabs my purse and they run off]
Me: Hey, that’s not nice! You get back here this instant and let me pet that dog!
Why is being alive so expensive? I’m not even having a good time.
bank robber: OK EVERYBODY GET DOWN!
[dave starts doing the electric slide]
robber: damn it Dave, not you, go fetch the money
RESUME HACK: Want to avoid the unpleasantries of listing your criminal record? Turn that weakness into a strength with “I’m a person of strong convictions.”
Signature Move
The best writer’s defense is a good writer’s offense
Her: I heard you got super glue on your fingers, are you okay?
Me: 👌
I’d like the chicken-fried steak, please.”
Uh lemme get back to you
*runs to kitchen*
YO WE GOT ANY CHICKENS THAT KNOW HOW TO FRY A STEAK
Yes I’ve gained weight. Too many people wanted to have sex with me. It was annoying.
As you get older you become all of the seven dwarfs.
Why aren’t there more Christmas songs about revenge?
God: you’re a baby shark-
Baby Shark: doo doo doo doo doo doo.
God: w-what was that?
Baby Shark: sorry go ahead.
God: a baby shark-
Baby Shark: doo doo doo doo doo doo.
God: that’s like super annoying.
Baby Shark: hee hee.
God: doo doo doo-great now it’s stuck in my head.
Mugger: Give me everything you got
Me: Hope you like a low credit score and insomnia
at my high school reunion everyone kept asking where my date was so I finally told them my dog ate him. no one laughed
Beware of the “party goblin”…
wife: I know we had plans tonight but I’ve been stuck in traffic for an hour and I just want to come home and relax
me [unaware that we had plans] Ok
Alanis Morissette should write a chemistry book titled Isn’t It Ionic?
C’mere baby, let me help you break that resolution.
Do what I say and everyone gets hurt.