my boss just walked in on me ripping a piece of paper in half with the word “Boss” written on it
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When I miss my parents I put 12 expired salad dressings in my fridge and it feels like home
Give a man a baby, and he’ll eat for a day. Teach a man to baby, and i think this saying only works for fish actually.
Getting kidnapped and taken to a private island where I’m hunted for sport by a wealthy psychopath wouldn’t even crack the top 3 worst relationships I’ve been a part of.
The movie ‘Up’ is utter bullshit. I tied 57,000 balloons to my house & my wife didn’t die.
Me: I’m terrified of random letters
Therapist: You are?
Me: (Screams)
Therapist: I see
Me: (Scream intensifies)
My phone keeps sending me a message telling me moisture has been detected in my usb port, I think it might be flirting with me
BOSS: is your make up tattooed on?
ME: yeah it’s exhausting to have to put it on every single morning
BOSS: why a clown though
If the first rule of fight club is not talking about fight club, how did fight club ever get off the ground?
I always hated videos of animals being shot with tranquilizer darts to trap and transport them.
Now, I’m calculating the toddler dosage.
haunted house: get. out.
me: (telling spicy gossip) right?
Day 4. They suspect nothing.
I find that honking the horn is an effective way to tell another driver, “You’re not going to believe this but you are driving a car right now”
Drive as I say, not as I drive.
If Bats in Australia are THIS big, I’d hate to see the size of their Vampires
Things drunk me has in common with toddlers:
– no idea where my shoe is
– demands McDonalds
– won’t shut up about dinosaurs
– not allowed to have a whistle
technically true but not a great slogan
if u propose to your partner at my wedding i am shooting you with a gun
Sometimes I’ll show my husband the chewed up food in my mouth just so he’s reminded of the delicacy and beauty of the flower he chose.
I’m like the lemon seed that sinks to the bottom of your water glass and then shoots up your straw unexpectedly, trying to choke you.
doktor: did you get a drug test?
me: nah I know what I’m on
“How did you get those scars?”
[Flashback to me running into a glass door]
They’re from Cage fighting.
Brought flowers home to wife.
Her: “I suppose I need to spread my legs now?”
Me: “Don’t we have a vase?”
BABY FROZEN STEAK: mommy is he coming back
MOM STEAK: no honey—get some sleep
[rocky walks into the freezer]
ROCKY: time to punch some meats
You big beautiful cup of coffee.
Come here and tell me lies of how much I will tolerate my coworkers and how much I’ll get accomplished today.
NASA: How’s it looking up there, guys?
ASTRONAUT: I’ve never seen anything so beautiful.
FROG: [lost in his spacesuit] I’m struggling tbh.
i’m selfie-employed. yes sir i’ll make a duck-face. right away sir.
The feminine urge to sneeze with wet mascara.
It’s like my Mom always said FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW:
Of course I believe in miracles…even though I’m a virgin, somehow my wife has given birth to three beautiful children.
cat: so how u been
me: well, kinda been depressed about work and traffic was-
cat: [presses paw to my lips] lol shut up I don’t care feed me