WIFE: Don’t embarrass me in front of my boss, he’s colorblind
ME: Duh
[later at party]
ME: [to boss] So when did you learn Colorbraille?
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*looks back seductively*
[walks into doorframe]
[Shark Tank]
Me: [holding tiny top] It’s called Blouses For Mouses™CEO: The plural of mouse is mice.
M: Ok, Blice for Mice™ then whatever
My house looks amazing from the outside…as for the inside, its nothing that a decent fire wouldn’t fix
*Sees old 1987 ford mustang and gets in* Lets see if this baby still works *pulls baby out of backpack* *baby cries* Great! *Puts it back*
Ice cream employee: I didn’t know you had kids! You always come in by yourself.
Kids: WHAT?! MOM!It’s like she didn’t want a tip.
Whenever I see a family and one child is trudging slightly behind everyone and crying, I want to lean in and whisper, “Someday you will write jokes.”
Honestly why do I bother attempting this shit
Did you hear about the cheese factory that exploded? There was nothing left but de brie
“Tuna?”
“Yes.”
“Catnip?”
“On the list.”
“What about-“
“Relax Alvin, I got this.”
My son found some handcuffs under our bed so I had to have “the talk” today…
I’m an international crime fighter now
My children are now grown up and have recently left home. Now the wife can tell when I eat a packet of biscuits all to myself. Thinking of getting a dog.
Kids today don’t know how easy they have it. When I was younger I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the tv channel.
Regrettable life choices: not learning how to syphon gas
I believe that growing up watching Porky Pig cartoons have contributed to my lack of pants.
I hate spoilers so much I walk out of movies before the end
Telling a mom to relax while her family does everything on Mother’s Day is like telling a pilot to relax while the passengers fly the plane.
Wife: Do I look like I’ve gained weight?
Me: Not if I look from really, really far away, no
W: I despise you
Zoom / MS Teams calls are the best places to see miracles happening.
Someone gets disconnected and everyone pronounces, ‘I think we lost her.’
Then they rejoin and say, ‘Hey, I’m back.’
It really doesn’t feel like Christmas until Pavarotti is singing “Oh Holy Night” to the counterpoint of my wife shouting at the cats to get out of the tree
*holds up bread* this is my body
*holds up wine* this is my blood
*holds up fire* and this is my mixtape
You should be my grillfriend. Not a typo, girl. You’re hot enough to cook meat on.
I am absolutely no good at dumping people. I couldn’t even bring myself to switch drycleaners until my old one died…
[murder trial]
LAWYER: So you unplugged your wife’s life support for five minutes?
COMPUTER TECH: Sometimes that works.
[first date]
HER: if you had to give up one of your senses which one would you choose?
ME: definitely my ability to see dead people.
HER:
‘In my humble opinion…’ yeah right lmao sounds really modest already
If Superman were a realtor, he could describe literally any apartment in the world as ‘a stone’s throw from the beach’.
Dentist: it’s really crowded in your mouth, we’ll have to make space
Me: *spitting jolly ranchers into cup* guess I’ll save these for later
Confusing my grandchildren by filling the Easter eggs with chicken nuggets
The human liver can withstand up to 97% damage and make a full recovery.
Yet not one doctor will accept this as an argument for alcoholism.
Grapefruit juice tastes like orange juice that just found out it has to work on it’s day off.