Teaching my kid math like:
If swimming lessons start in 3 minutes and the pool is 10 minutes away, how late are we going to be?
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Lord, give me the confidence and attitude of my toddler at dance class. Amen
Hey baby, do you like tan lines? Because I fell asleep with a badminton racquet on my face again and
So a 12 year old told me it’s a good idea to have a bourbon cake. I’ll take no questions at this time.
What is the best nickname for a nun in heaven?
If you guessed “Heaven nun” or “Angel nun” you’re wrong.
The answer was “Nun of the Above”.
The Shining is my favorite movie about what can happen when you spend too much time with family.
The first rule of fight club is: you do not tell mom that I let you watch fight club, kids
Mom: Did we pack everything? The stupid baby monitor?
Dad: Ugh I hate that annoying dumb thing!
Tiny Monitor Lizard: Ok wow I’m right here
Any zoo can be a petting zoo if you’re really good at climbing fences.
I hate it when I go to clean my daughters room & I emerge 3 hours later having just finished a delightful tea party with a giraffe & a pony.
I’m Lactose Intolerant, which means I rarely find missing children.
If you don’t kiss the one ring, Fredo will throw you in the fires on top of Old Smokey
[talking to my guide dog]
this better be the hospital this time and not wimbledon again
[from a nearby speaker]
“FIFTEEN-LOVE”
Lonely nights, we’ve all been here. Pretending to choke so someone hugs you. Pretending a jellyfish stung you so someone pees on you. Usual.
Wife: Take out the trash
Me: Just let me finish this movie
Wife: What are you watching?
Me: *turns to camera* The Neverending Story
I left my accordion in the car and forgot to lock it. By the time I got back, it was too late. There were four accordions in there
[Emergency Room]
MRS. PIÑATA: Will my husband make it, doc?
DOCTOR: We’ll do what we can but *slurping on sucker* he’s lost a lot of candy
date: you look nice
me: well you look very [peeks at thesaurus under the table]…ornate
Carrot raisin salad. When you want to eat something horrible, 3 times.
People have sex without music playing? How do you know when to change partners?
Merica.
[hospital]
“I’m afraid it’s bad news. Your husband will never walk again”
“Oh God, he’s paralysed?”
“No, someone’s bought him rollerblades”
Biden: I’m gonna punch him.
Obama: Smile and wave, Joe.
Boss: the company wants you to know it’s ok to struggle mentally
Me: ok
Boss: like… don’t tho
The place where you pour in the gas is the car’s gasshole.
SHOUTS OUT TO UTERUSES, THE ORIGINAL 3-D PRINTERS
Cartoons made it seem like I’d be regularly hit in the head with fallen anvils, but it’s only happened to me three times.
I’m sorry I didn’t respond to you, I was arguing with someone in my head and I can only give my attention to one person at a time.
[TI and his daughter at OBGYN]
doctor, to TI’s daughter: u have a UTI
TI’s daughter: a what
doctor: UTI
TI: no I’m TI
It’s the year 2354, the world is now like that futuristic Bruce Willis movie.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No,
This documentary says Barbie has had over 300 illustrious careers. And only one boyfriend.
You can just call me Opposite Barbie.