Inventor: It’s a jackhammer.
Investors: This is groundbreaking.
You Might Also Like
I may be middle-aged but I still have the student loan debt of a much younger man.
Putting my cat at the top of my Christmas tree this year because 1) she’s already an angel and 2) she’s going to climb up there anyway
Things I hate:
1. Hatred
2. Irony
3. Lists
How to sleep:
1. Lay down
2. Dim lights
3. Dwell about literally every mistake you’ve made in your life for 6 hours
4. Rest for 9 minutes
It’s so hot that my thermostat says “Idris Elba”.
M: there are so many castles for sale in France!
H: but you wouldn’t know anyone there
M: that’s the best selling point there is!
Me: I’m single – I can eat beans whenever I like
Also me: why am I still single
Me: being able to see yourself in others is what it means to be human
Captcha:
sorry not a big fan what other vegetables do you have on the cob
Joining Twitter instead of the circus was a pretty good move considering I’m a freak but not that talented
My “my wife is not having an affair with her karate teacher” headline is raising a lot of questions already answered by my headline.
living with roommates is fun because you get to learn what their parents think should be refrigerated
Airport security asked me if I’ve seen anything unusual…I just paid $18 for a coke & a ham sandwich…Let’s start with that.
It’s amazing how many people can hit pine trees and drive with them still hanging on their car roofs. Like nothing happened.
Eleanor Rigby: Yep so I’m a church janitor
The Beatles: So you must be lonely as shit. Like that’s so sad. Man that sucks so much, for you.
Eleanor Rigby: No actually, idk where you-
The Beatles: I’m going to write a song about this
I bet i could still be a stuntman
[Breaks a hip getting off the couch]
Okay maybe not
[The Lost World: Jurassic Park]
Ian Malcolm: Where you’re going is the only place on Earth where the geese chase you
Me: This guy doesn’t know shit about geese.
me: i’ll just soak this dish so it’s easier to clean
brain: probably will be good in a minute
me: yeah but imagine how good it’ll be in a month
wife: I know we had plans tonight but I’ve been stuck in traffic for an hour and I just want to come home and relax
me [unaware that we had plans] Ok
“my 7th grader is reading at a 9th grade level” ok big deal, my doctor told me my body is aging at a 73 year old level.
FRIEND: get our wedding invitation?
ME: i did, somebody hand wrote ‘do not bring pan flute’
F: yea i really wanted to make sure you saw that
Did you breast feed him as a baby?
“Lady, I didn’t have breasts when I was a baby.”
my friend asked me why i went to mcdonalds instead of coming to church with him and got pissed when i told him it’s because chicken nuggets objectively exist
Why is every haunted place a spooky old house or hotel? If a tragedy occurring at a location leads to a haunting, every Waffle House and bus station in the world would be teeming with spirits.
Son: “You didn’t have YouTube or Minecraft when you were a kid? What did you do?”
*flashback to peeling dried glue off my hand*
Me: “Stuff.”
R – E – S – P – E – C – T
J – K – L – M – N – O – P
That awkward moment when a person says they need their beauty sleep when what they really need is plastic surgery.
“google d-dildoes…” i whisper to siri “GOOGLIN BIG OL DILDOES!!” screams the phone, smashing windows in a 9mile radius & flipping over cars
serious question: when someone’s telling you a sad story and crying how long should I wait before take a bite of my corn dog?
Interviewer: what are your future plans?
Me: lunch
Interviewer: I meant long term plans
Me: what, like dinner?