therapist: you’re overthinking
me: what if-
therapist: don’t
me: WHAT IF
therapist:
me: what if everyone else is underthinking
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[quietly tries to open a can of beer]
driving instructor: what was that
My son hates how I fuss about his birthday at his workplace.
So this year the Mariachi band will not be wearing hats.
Please help, my kid keeps threatening to teach me chess
I peed in an ocean, but I’m not going to tell you which one – you’re going to have to take your chances.
Speaker: Welcome to the First International Flat Earth Conference, where researchers have gathered from all round the world
Audience: *booing and throwing tomato slices*
I asked my 5-year-old what she was on because she was having such a good time wiggling and being weird. She looked at me like she finally met the dumbest person in the world, “the couch.”
I hate when recipes tell you to take something out of the pan and add it back in later. No way bro. It’s staying in there.
Blizzard after 3 years of Overwatch lore development
If you would like to get an idea of what an exorcism is like, try putting clothes on a toddler.
The first five days after the weekend are the worst.
I’m watching my 4 year old son give my 1 year old a hammer. He is so irresponsible.
My Google searches read like an alien trying learn how to be a person.
twitter getting rid of the 140-character limit is a bad idea. the ability to say what you need to say in as few words as possible is (1/533)
If I’ve learned any thing from dogs and cats, it’s that you can rub your head on people when you want attention.
The existence of raw sexuality implies the existence of medium sexuality, but also well-done sexuality
Some mistakes you only make once, like sniffing your kids’ clothes to see if they’re dirty or clean
Son: I’m tired.
Dad: Hi Tired, I’m Dad.S:
D:S: You annoy me.
D: You annoy me.S: Oh, you’re copying me now?
D: Oh, you’re copying me now?S: Who is the parent here?
D: Who is the parent here?S: MOM! Come get your husband.
With all due respect to Marie Kondo if I wanted to actually get rid of all the things in my life that didn’t “bring me joy” I’d just throw myself into a dumpster
If I was a man my favorite hole would still be the donut hole.
I would bang you so hard
over the head
with a frying pan
How good at basketball do you have to be to get a COVID test
I’ve been practicing Social Distancing my whole life.. Just sayin.
Did you know stuffing your bra with toilet paper works pretty well…
except when it rains.
I won’t tell anyone if I win the lottery, but if I did, you’d see someone else cutting all this damn grass.
”Found unresponsive” is the new “discovered unconscious.” But it still means the same thing. You can’t handle your Chardonnay, Janice
To anyone who thinks they have it harder than me: There is a person in my life who, every time I text them, CALLS ME BACK.
Woke up feeling not too shabby for a 55-year-old. The only problem is I’m still in my 40s.
I’m listening
My wife is amazing in bed. She can fall asleep immediately no matter how loud the TV is on.