Therapist: When you look in the mirror, what do you see?Me: I see myself you friggin idiot. Let me see your degree
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One time I put the burnt side of a grilled cheese face down on my child’s plate and almost got away with it.
Marry a man who surrounds himself with good weather and can provide good weather for you and your children.
-currently looking for an adult
-Realizing I’m an adult
-Now looking for an older adult
-Someone successful at adulting
-An adultier adult
People who clap when the plane lands don’t aim particularly high do they?
inventor of rice krispies: but what if our food tried to get away
[first date]
her: so what are you looking for?
me: [hits my head on the table] i dropped a shrimp
normal people kissing:
•sensual
•butterflies in ur stomach
•ur the only two people in the worldpeople with glasses kissing:
•clink
•clank
•ok lets take them off
•wait where’d u go
•u feel cold
•oh that’s a lamp
They don’t serve bacon on airplanes cause pigs are on the no fry list
Sometimes I like to trick my dryer by selecting the Bedding setting when the load is really jeans and towels.
Me: What do mathematicians and marine biologists have in common?
Wife: Oh god
Me: They study algae, brah!
Judge: Divorce granted
CW: Linda! Did you forget the boss is treating us to lunch today?
Me: *mouthful of food*
*blink blink* No I didn’t forget.
Be the reason your therapist reevaluates their entire career.
How come I need a complex, indecipherable password to get on Twitter but only a 4-digit number to remove all my money from an ATM?
Fun Fact:
Organic milk only comes from cows that do yoga and moo about being a vegetarian or marathons they were in.
*walks into HR wearing a Princess Leia bikini
No generation will ever be joked about as much as millennials.
Gen Z: Hold my tide pod…
I didn’t really mind the voices in my head until one of them started their own podcast
Right before my grandma passed away she presented me with a jewelry box full of my own baby teeth like cursed hand-me-downs
[Patient room]
ME: …so that’s why I need to drain the abscess on your leg
PATIENT: What’ll it feel like?
ME: Honestly, it feels amazing & truly gratifying knowing that I’ve been able to help someone in a dark time
PATIENT: No, I meant for me
ME: Oh. It’s gonna hurt like hell
I swear they do that thing where they close a lane of traffic, cut out holes, and then refill them with new concrete just to piss me off
Just left WalMart. All the cute well behaved kids must be at Target.
Me: oh shit there’s my ex girlfriend will you hold my hand so she gets jealous
Dad: sure kiddo
my best friend and i made a pact that if we’re both still single when we’re 40 we will go on a horrifying nationwide crime spree
Waitress: “Enjoy your meal”
Patron: “you too”Patron: ‘why did I say that?’
Waitress: [being force-fed the 6th plate of food of her shift]
This will be our daughter’s first year trick or treating and the goal is to get her to collect all the candy for us and then immediately forget it exists
Just got a splinter from a 100 year-old bed frame and damn that MFer was really playing the long game
*in court*
Prosecutor: In 2002 you had an incident where you ran into a pond to fight geese.
Me: In my defense, I was stoned and they were talking mad shit because one stole my Doritos. I have a rep to uphold.
P: THEY BEAT YOU UP!
M: I know. They were organized.
Wife: you’ve been a naughty boy *peels off clothes* You need to be punished
Me: yes, I do!
Wife: do the laundry
has it occurred to anyone that the reason dinosaurs are extinct is because purple is way to flashy in the wild?
They’re going to start pairing TV shows w/medications. “If you’re taking this, this and this… watch this!”