[about to have sex]
me: fasten your seatbelt
her: oooh you’re good huh
me: no this is a race car bed
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Obi Wan: You will never find a more wretched hive of scum and villainy.
Luke: Obviously you haven’t been to Black Friday at Walmart.
*pulls away from kissing, stares intently into his eyes
Your eyes are like pools of melted chocolate
Him: U started your diet, didn’t u
When a work project succeeds: “This was a group project. We all contributed and worked hard on it, and we all deserve credit. Yay team!”
When a work project fails: “That was Steve’s idea.”
Me: Of course I’m an adult, I pay bills
Also me: NO, YOU MAY NOT BORROW MY DARTH VADER SIPPY CUP.
Jurassic Park is still my favorite movie about giant electric fences.
My parents ruined my childhood by not moving to a small town with a dark secret that i could uncover with a group of misfits
I definitely thought I would have shot the lock off of something by now in my life.
Her: What’s your fantasy?
Me: It involves peanut butter…
Her: Mmmm. Where would you like me to put it?
Me: *hands her bread*
Ya know when you buy a bag of of salad and it gets all brown and crusty…. cookies don’t do that
Of course my tweet applies to you, random moron on the internet who doesn’t even follow me.
I follow anyone who has “18+” in their bio.
I’m waiting for them to post the second half of the math problem.
For a brief period, cats delivered mail in Belgium. During the 1970s, the city of Liège “hired” 37 cats to deliver mail in waterproof bags. As expected, the cats weren’t effective mailmen.
What the world needs now is love, sweet love…
And an extinction level asteroid.
Remember the good old days when everyone was going to hell in handbaskets instead of in flaming runaway mine carts?
My coworker was like “I love kids! Can’t finish a whole one by myself though hahaha!” And I was just like wow I could easily eat like 5.
Dr: I need a urine and stool sample.
Me: *hands him my underwear*
Dr:……
Me: Its all there.
The kitchen trash will be overflowing and my kids will keep stacking garbage on top like they’re playing Jenga.
I’ve learned a lot over the years, but the best advice I can ever give someone is never buy a used harmonica.
[party]
me: i think my gf is mad at me
friend: yeah dude i saw her making out with some guy in the kitchen
me: did she look mad?
Putting an ‘e’ at the end of words (ie Pointe, Crowne) makes something fancy as shite.
Me: [Eating pizza for breakfast]
Gym nerd: [pouring 8 flourescent powders into a gym bottle] I dunno how u can put that shit into your body
Carpenter Ants: Very industrious
Army Ants: Extra militant
Fire Ants: Drop dope AF mixtapes
I’m not racist. White people scare me too.
It’s cute how the grocery store cashier told me to have a great Thanksgiving like I won’t be back to the store six more times in the next seven days.
[me living in a hallmark movie]
oh my gosh, my childhood love is still single? and here? in this small town?
well if we don’t fall in love and get together then the christmas tree farm will foreclose!
WE MUST GET MARRIED TO SAVE CHRISTMAS!
If I refer to myself as, “sauced up,” it probably just means I have honey, BBQ and ranch to dip my nuggets in.
Ominous music should play when you meet the wrong ppl.
7YR OLD: daddy, I don’t want to go to bed, it’s still light outside
ME: [explains daylight savings time]
7: that’s the dumbest shit I’ve ever heard.
I asked my wife how to turn Alexa off. She said, I don’t know, have you tried walking through the room naked?
I once accidentally joined a cult because I zoned out mid-conversation and just kept saying “yeah, of course” every few minutes.