I’m simultaneously drinking Starbucks and a Monster, in case I need to do something extreme and be a snob about it, within the next 30 min.
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Probably even more relevant for the next couple of days.
“Just make sure he knows these are for Christmas AND his birthday”
Happy Birthday if it’s yours today.
it takes a big man to admit when he’s wrong but it takes an even bigger man to give a giraffe a haircut
Am I in my mid 30s? Yes.
Will I ever stop ending professional phone calls with “bye-bye”? NO.
This story is comedy gold 😂
Why’d they call it “The Empire Strikes Back” and not “Cool Hand, Luke”?
Dog: I’m a man’s best friend, he even named one of his teeth after me.
Pussycat: Yeah, you’re not gonna win this one.
There’s a tornado warning and we’re about to hop into our blow up pool. If you see us fly by, please don’t hesitate to say hello.
OH MY GOD I FORGOT TO UNPLUG THE TOASTER
[flash to dog in sunglasses waiting for his fifth batch of waffles to pop up]
83% of white folks stressing about their court dates are referring to tennis.
12 Signs You Might Have Leprosy – Number 8 is jaw-dropping!
“What skills would you bring to the apocalypse?”
Me: Um, brooding real hard.
*walks through door to find entire family standing on various pieces of furniture
Me: Floor Is Lava??
12: No, spider fell from ceiling and we lost it
Me: OH SHIT! *jumps on counter
My what?
Even if it’s not cursed, a monkey paw is a terrible gift.
My husband is out of surgery and in recovery. What was the first thing my drug induced sweetheart said to me? That he loved me? That I was beautiful? That he missed me?
Nope.
Mashed potatoes. That’s what he said. Mashed potatoes. Get me some mashed potatoes.
Attack of the 50 foot woman sounds horrifying. So many feet, so many toes.
*God provides manna from heaven*
“Is there gluten in this?”
I turned the location off on my phone so an international spy agency isn’t aware that I’m eating fast food today. I want to impress them.
My young children are currently screaming because they collectively ate the last two bananas in this house and they both want more.
THIS IS BANANARCHY.
wife: “just break it to him gently”
me: “ok ill try”
[tucking son in bed]
me: [opening story book] “once upon a time your grandma’s dead”
i’m on my way to a date with a girl i asked out while blackout drunk in the bathroom of pie express. i don’t know what she looks like or why she agreed to go out with me but wish us luck lmao
I saw the Cheesecake Factory trending and thought it died.
Apparently, saying “grande” in a non-Starbucks coffee shop is like shouting the wrong name during sex.
I like to be called a MILF because it’s better than being called a MILTMALIAD. (Mother I’d like to murder and leave in a ditch.)
“On this one particular day every year we put on different clothes and pretend we are someone else then we go to strangers’ houses and ask for stuff”
Aliens: WHAT
HER:He doesn’t trust me.
THERAPIST:How so?
HER:He’s always spying on me.
ME (dressed as Therapist):Really?
THERAPIST:WTF
HER:WTF
ME:WTF
god has let me live another day and i’m about to make it everyone’s problem
Nobody has ever partied as hard as skeletons in a cemetery in a 1930s cartoon. Using their heads as bongos. Doing cartwheels.. Letting one skelly use a broom to sweep them up into a big bone pile. The Euphoria kids could never
In Canada, elevators only come with a ‘hold door open’ button and a ‘hold door open longer’ button
Terrifying if literal: keeping your eyes peeled.