I got a book from the library about oils and lubricants…
It was in the non-friction section.
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The Epstein client list but to the tune of Mambo number 5.
Date: I like to take things slow
Me: *puts stolen turtle on table* Hey, so do I
IT:have you deleted your cookies?
Me:yea the chocolate ones. There may be some raisin ones left
IT:is there somebody else I could talk to?
You fight a boss in a video game and it’s “acceptable,” but you fight your boss at your job and it’s “termination” and “likely a lawsuit.”
That if you love them set them free thing, what if they all come back at once
I’m at the point in my life where “friend with benefits” just means a person who gives me their Bed Bath & Beyond coupons.
NO, YOU GET THE HELL OFF YOUR PROPERTY.
I know this is only our second date, Susan, and maybe I’m moving too fast, but I’d like permission to rename your cat.
*Trains lightning bugs to spell*
Karen, they have a message for u
WILL YOU M-
“Omg Yes!”
OVE OUT?
Oh good. Here I packed your bags already.
I asked 4 if she was excited to start school and she said she doesn’t need to go to school bc she already know lots of words and if she runs out she can just make them up
A cartoon bear needs me to prevent forest fires, Becky. That’s why I can’t go to your stupid wedding.
shit just got real
And a special thanks to Autocorrect for changing “Busy juggling”
to “Busy jiggling”
All the baby books tell you that infants need to eat every 2 to 3 hours, but what they fail to mention is that this behavior continues until the child turns 18 and moves out of your house.
[Hospital]
Doctor:”…and so the baby is fine.”
Me:”And my wife?”
Doc:”I’m afraid she’s critical”
Me:”I know! But how is she?”
Arthur Conan Doyle: I have invented the greatest detective of all time
Agatha Christie: hold my tea
Doyle: … why does this tea taste funny
“Women & Children first” i yell heroically from the Dentist’s waiting room
“Ninja please” -Japanese people
If there’s a zombie apocalypse, I’m becoming a zombie.
Walking around doing nothing & eating non-stop seems like a pretty sweet deal to me.
A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light
IT email: please complete this cybersecurity training
me: *report as phishing*
99% of my Dad’s excellent driving record is due to the defensive driving skills of other motorists.
ME: check out this cordless trimmer
BARBER: stop calling me that.
I really have to stop ending sentences with, “you’ll be sorry, you will all be sorry!”
My 5YO lost her first tooth and is very certain that the tooth fairy will give it to an old lady who really needs it
Always a bridesmaid, never a new world-order leader in a post-apocalyptic all-powerful matriarchy. Sigh.
I can’t explain it with science, but the older I get the softer I want my clothes to be.
If you eat a pregnant girls food, you’re required to have the baby for her
BREAKING: Apple reportedly prepping electric car.
Battery life is expected to be about an hour, with a 2 foot charging cable.