A museum guard accused me of trying to steal a 4,000-year-old papyrus but I explained that my skin just gets like that in the winter.
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JUDGE: your sentence will last for 5 years
ME: I can’t speak that slowly
Me: One of us drank the last cup of coffee and there isn’t any more.
Partner: One of us?
Me: I wasn’t going to mention names because that won’t solve anything.
*sneaks condoms into the carts of fighting couples at the drug store
All parents want is for our kids to go to bed so we can watch a show with bad words in it and eat the hidden snacks.
“Get in the van if you want to live.”
Creepy Terminator…
My mom moved me away from Texas as a kid, statistically decreasing the chance I ever get the death penalty and that’s pretty cool
[Arrives at work dressed as a sexy kitty]
Boss: *points to memo on desk* “It says no Halloween costumes”
Me: *slowly pushes memo off desk*
Million Dollar Idea: Footwear that loudly screeches “go away” when people get too close. They’re called SHOOS. (Patent Pending.)
If you thought going to the movies was expensive before, now you need a boat
Pretty messed up that every year I swallow 8 spiders.
And none of them ever call me again.
Motel 6: We’ll leave the light on for you.
Motel 6’s Dad: What am I, made of money?
At my age getting lucky means having the house to myself
Ladies, have you ever slept with a man because he has a big fish that he caught in his profile picture?
“self-driving cars will have to answer split-second ethical decisions, instantly calculating the worth of the lives of the people around them. can AI solve the trolley problem?”
self-driving cars in reality: i swerved onto the sidewalk because i thought the moon was a stop sign
When you played marbles, the only goal was to win more marbles. No one asked stupid questions like why’d you want more marbles.
I found a body in the trunk of my car today, which is disturbing because I remember leaving 2 in there..
“Quality over quantity” hmm? Thank you for passing along this incredibly deep thought, Dr. Philosophy. I’m really anticipating your next piece of sage wisdom…perhaps “open the door before trying to walk through it?”
Me: So it’s kittens… driving sports cars!!
Studio Head: I need security up here NOW.
Me: PLEASE DON’T REJECT “THE FAST AND THE FURRIEST”
My professor doesn’t believe in laser pointers so he uses a fishing pole with a foam finger attached and I can’t contain myself during lecture lmao
The only thing keeping most of you from having a great dating life is…
Your spouse 🤷
I set my GPS voice to Mom, and now when I miss a turn, it says “Your sister wouldn’t have missed that.”
“Hello, 912”
wait did u say 912?
“yup”
I meant to dial 911
“happens all the time”
lol I’m such a goof
“haha right?”
my neighbor got stabbed
Do you ever get shampoo in your eyes and wonder what the name of your guide dog will be?
*In a Bedroom at a Halloween Party*
Woman Dressed as Nurse: That’s a cool effect.
Man Dressed as Dracula: Vat effect are you referring to?
Her: You’re not casting a reflection in the mirror.
Dracula:
Her: oh
Me: So I punch them in the chest but then I’m supposed to feel bad about it and kiss them? Worst self defense class ever.
Instructor: ok yeah, so this is actually a CPR class.
Any family visit eventually has the Agatha Christie detective moment where someone explains at length whose fault it is everyone has a cold.
You’re never gonna believe this but Ben Carson’s full name is Benghazi Carsonofsatan
“Hermit crab” describes me twice.
Was late to my first Fight Club last night so missed the intro rules. Still, Fight Club was brilliant and I’d highly recommend Fight Club.