The best way to surprise your girlfriend with flowers is by not giving them to her when your wife’s there.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
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having sex w/ a girl who has multiple personalities would be awesome unless one of those personalities was hitler
Never eat ice cream while chatting online. Sister: why are you typing so slowly Me: well my other hands busy. She hasnt replied yet.
A job site for heavily tattooed professionals called Inkedin
HOT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA VALUE YOUR FRIENDSHIP TOO MUCH TO RUIN IT WITH SEX. SURE, YOU’RE ATTRACTIVE, THEY JUST DON’T SEE YOU IN THAT WAY
My husband pissed me off so I wrapped his remote and put it under the tree.
I usually bring an air horn to a funeral to make sure the person is really dead.
kid: dad how do you make a bubble?
me: well son you take an asset, and you give people a reason to value that asset at a much higher price than it’s intrinsic worth, thus triggering speculative investments-
kid: *puts away bubble blower and soap*
99 bottles of beer on the wall?
Challenge accepted
*performs interpretive dance at your psych evaluation
Learn to negotiate like my 5-year old. Instead of asking, “Can we please get a kitty?” he asked, “Are we getting a kitty today or tomorrow?”
Still super weird to me that humans can make other smaller humans. I wish mozzarella sticks could make other smaller mozzarella sticks.
My 6 year old came into the bathroom while I was using it to tell me she hates it when the dog comes into the bathroom when she’s using it.
One quality im not looking for in a potential partner is the ability to maintain a virtual farm
I have a migraine and my stomach hurts. A fast food burger and fries should help.
[phone w/ son while in bank thats being robbed]
in case this goes bad, go to google on the iPad and delete “can owls fly” before mom sees it
We got our cats a water fountain. Now they stand around it holding little paper cups and gossiping about us.
I can cook up any meal but I can’t peel boiled eggs without them looking like a toddler took bites out of them.
I’m gonna be a professional farmer when I grow up. I’ve been wanting to get in that field for years.
You can either have a nice evening or you can help your child with their math homework.
You can’t have both.
This pumpkin spice toilet paper seems unnecessary, but I’ll taste it nonetheless.
There should be LEGO movies of everything. LEGO Die Hard. LEGO John Wick. Hell I’d even watch LEGO 50 Shades of Grey.
Where were these Terrorists when Seth Rogen did the Green Hornet?!?!?
Oppenheimer at the A-Bomb test saying “Now, I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds” only me exiting the bathroom after eating Taco Bell.
Being an adult on the internet is weird because you’ll see a trending article with a headline like, “Here’s a picture of what money looked like before Venmo!”
Humor: the only thing I like dry.
My days of chasing men are now over.
I chase ice cream trucks now.
me: goth goose. gothic goose. goosic. no wait… gooth
teacher: it’s already called a vulture
[two coworkers walk into my office]
Coworkers: Hey! It’s your two favorite people here to ask you a question!
Me: Where?
Me: I hate math.
Also me: If I cut my shower down to three minutes and breakfast down to five, I can hit the nine-minute snooze three more times and only be five minutes late.
[Central Park]
Me: the squirrels have been busy collecting nuts for the winter
Also me: can someone help me get down from this tree