ok but this should absolutely be the only acceptable method now
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YOU: Hi.
ME: *breathes in deeply, making my body puff up so that it seems too big to eat*
Still my favourite meme.
{response at rap battle}
Nice try but my Mom isn’t even flexible so it’s impossible that really took place.
Pal – “Can you help me put this IKEA desk together?”
Me – “I’ll need a screwdriver.”
Pal – “Sure what type?”
Me – “Greygoose or Kettle One.”
The transplant surgeon was almost at the hospital when he realized that home was where the heart was.
My favorite sex position? Boy there’s so many to choose from. Ha Ha. *starts sweating* I’d have to pick, um, reverse…shortstop? I gotta go
Your “poetic” tweets would be so much better if Adele hadn’t thought of them first
Dating is great to find the perfect partner for couples therapy
(getting into a hot tub full of people) i guess we’re making some people soup huh gang
There is no worse place to receive bad news than sitting in a beanbag chair.
urns are so stupid. when I die, I want my ashes on display in a mini aquarium
You can’t judge a book by its cover! That only works with people.
me: ah finally a night when i can go to sleep early and rest up
my upstairs neighbor: it is time to learn how to play the upright bass
Longest English word:
‘pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosi’Longest Spanish word: ‘GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAALLLLLLL’
Got arrested at the farmers market for taking a leek.
Instant pancake mix box: just add water
Me: sounds easy
Oh no, too thick [adds more water]
Oh no, too runny [adds more mix]
.
.
.
*Three hours later* a lovely breakfast of 137 pancakes
I got kicked out of the casino in Las Vegas.
I didn’t cheat. I just misunderstood what the craps table was for.
The 70’s called. They built a time phone.
cat owners seriously come into work covered in scratches like “he’s just playful” no ma’am you’re in love with a wildebeest
97% of scientists believe climate change is man-made and causes rising sea levels of oceans. The other 3% believe Frank Ocean is an ocean.
[walking somewhere]
My cat: I’M GOING TO GET THERE FIRST!!
“Oh, you decided to close your bedroom door with me on the outside? Allow me to sing you the song of my people.”
-my cat
Apparently a ‘Defibrillator’ doesn’t make someone tell the truth
I’m planning to adopt a dog soon, it wasn’t my first choice but my doctor told me I can’t have any biologically.
I wish they’d stop turning movies into musicals and make them ice shows instead.
I’d pay good money to see “The Godfather on Ice.”
*summoning demonic forces to overthrow the zoo employees*
There comes a point in every parent’s life when they notice the soap and shampoo they bought for their kids isn’t getting used up nearly as quickly as it should be.
you’ve never seen climate change and peppa pig in the same room have you.
[chick-fil-a]
EMPLOYEE: can i take your order?
ME: yes, thank you for asking
EMPLOYEE: my pleasure
ME: and thank you for saying it was your pleasure
EMPLOYEE: please don’t do this
ME: oh i’m just getting started
Me irl