“How often do you floss?”
Every day
“How often do you lie?”
Every six months
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My 4yo niece: “You’re fat”
Me: “Santa died”
Husband: I love everything about you.
Me: Even my toe hair?
H: What toe hair?
Me: *tears up* That’s the most romantic thing you’ve ever said to me.
If the murder robots look like wall•e I will betray all of you
When you’re drunk do a selfie with your bestie
Personal trainer: So what’s your goal?
Me: I wanna look good in pictures that I’m not taking myself!!
Woman at drive-thru just called me “honey.” Headed home to tell my wife to take a god damn hike.
I like that CNN is tweeting a picture of ebola bacteria. It will be handy in case I encounter it in the wild. With my microscope vision.
what if in airbud they put the dog in and they didnt win that coach would feel stupid
5 year old: Where does wind come from, daddy?
Me: It comes from people asking too many questions.
YOU COULD HAVE HAD “MERRY SIPMAS” OR “HAPPY HOLATTES” ARE YOU KIDDING ME WITH THIS SHIT RN
I feel like palindrome should be spelled palindromemordnilap
I feel like having your carriage robbed at swordpoint by a dashing rogue who takes your ring (but you know he’s intrigued by you and will return it later in some intimate way, so you don’t protest TOO much) is a vastly superior method of meeting men as opposed to online dating.
*sees window washer in a harness outside office high rise*
*holds up sign from desk*
YOU’RE NOT EVEN FLYING EVERYONE CAN SEE THE STRINGS
[touring our solar system]
alien: so they named all their planets after their gods?
guide: all but one
alien: what’s better than gods?
guide: *checks notes* dirt
[first day as a cashier]
*intercom* can I get a price check on…die john mustard.
me at five am: should i sleep for two hours or stay up
me at now am: Did my coworker just say “email” or “bee jail”. what did the bee do
When I die, just throw the laundry in my grave with me. I want to die exactly as I lived.
Protect your Twitter account from plagiarism by only tweeting things that nobody cares about.
first my neighbor was okay with my electric fencing, then he was on the fence, and now he’s dead set against it
Congratulations parents! You made it through the Terrible Twos! Your child is now three!
You’re gonna want to be sitting down for what I’m about to tell you…
When you have bad handwriting, notes to yourself are just fun little mysteries you get to solve later on.
WIFE: Did you sleep with my sister?
INSOMNIAC: No
When your parents said you could be anything you wanted, I don’t think they meant annoying
Me: So what’s this lowlife in for?
Zoo guide: Again, this isn’t animal prison
It is not stealing if you walk into a place and do not know where you are or what is happening and just take whatever food you can carry because it is the only thing that makes sense in that moment.
I am a bear.
Cashier: That’ll be $29.95 sweetheart
Me: Here you are, pumpkin face
Cashier:
Me: oh, I’m sorry, were we not giving eachother cute nicknames?
In New England, we only have two seasons:
1) Ice cream will melt if you leave it in the car
2) Ice cream is fine if you leave it in the car
I still see some of my ex-girlfriends. Well, not so much see, more like…watch.
Ever think about how carrots taste more like the color orange than oranges do?
when I was 9 I thought anyone who preferred strawberry ice cream was weird and sad and now I love strawberry ice cream so I was right