I open a yogurt like I’m opening a coffin
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I’m on a diet and a nice thing about it is that, when I’m eating less, my mind is so much clearer and I can see that all that really matters is food
Movember is over, so this week anyone looking like a pedophile is actually a pedophile.
Are we not gonna talk about how Edward Scissorhands’ mom had sex with a cutlery drawer?
spider: sup
me: omg stay away
spider: don’t worry I’m a good spider
me: there’s good spiders?
spider: hahaha no I’m gonna get you
[god creating dolphins]
Peter: why is he smiling?
God: cos, Pete, I’ve given him an asshole on top of his head
Peter: ah. Nice
1. Don’t write a journal.
2. Don’t smile in your mugshot.-mental notes I take watching crime tv.
I congratulated a friend on his new baby on IG & his wife immediately sent me a message asking how I knew him.
I was his Sunday school teacher 25 years ago. Calm down, Brittany.
Based on 2020 thus far, I’m expecting the flying monkeys of Oz to show up any time now.
I’m at the age where I look good “for my age”
Child: I’m full.
Me: Okay.
Child: Can I have dessert?
Me: What? You just said you were full.
Child: Yeah, full of THIS.
When asked what deceased historical figure I’d like resurrected to be my dinner companion, I always answer Einstein.
When told it’s an uninspired, clichéd choice, I clarify Milena Einstein.
me: can i be frank for a sec
boss: sure
frank: thank you
[coming in second] Meh, I never cared about winning in the first place.
I’ve hated dentists way before they started killing lions.
Husband: so you know it’s ok to admit that you’re wrong sometimes.
Me: I’m not saying I’m wrong but I could have been more right.
I’ve never watched The Bachelor but I have been to a bar.
Sitting down and tilting your head to the side will increase your chances of food intake by 82%.
– Dog Logic
Me: When one door closes, another one opens.
Him: That explains the flies.
My kid: mumma where are you going?
Me: I’m going to meet my really old friends
My kid: you mean friends your age?
Me: ‘really old’ meaning from long ago
My kid: so same
Kids: Mom, what happened to our college fund?
Me: Avocados.
I’m inventing a new holiday where you take back one gift you previously gave someone.
“Unhand me you cad!” I shriek, before turning disappointedly to see that I’ve only caught my shirt in the silverware drawer.
Househunters, but for birds
Bird 1: I’m looking for a spacious nest. Preferably made with shed mammal fur. Open concept.
Bird 2: & I’d really love a nest without snakes so our eggs won’t get eaten. Plus granite countertops
Bird 1: Our budget is a piece of tinfoil & a stick
I went on my daughter’s movie field trip with her class so of course I snuck in snacks and she snitched on me to her teacher then had the audacity to ask me to share
Me, the boss: The most important part of your job is to not distract me by naming different kinds of delicious sausage.
New Guy: No problem. And do we-?
Me: Thats it! You’re fired!
wtf management?!
[radioshack meeting]
employee: sir, overall sales are really low.
CEO: when did we start selling overalls, bro?
Driving and trying to read twitter, I just ran over a poodle. Unfortunately I drive a Yaris. My car got a dent and the poodle got annoyed.
Want air conditioning on the shuttle bus? Open a window, Your Majesty.
Look, don’t call it a salad “bar” if you’re going to tell me I can’t do ranch dressing shots.