I forgot to pay off my exorcism loan, and now I’m being repossessed.
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I need a pain relieving patch that covers my whole body
I just pressed the Popcorn setting on my microwave and it showed me secret spy video of Kellyanne Conway eating lunch.
My husband and I ran out of toothpaste a month ago and neither of us said anything out loud but we’re both waiting on the other to buy more. The silver lining is we are finally making a dent in 15 years of travel-sized toothpaste containers from the dentist.
As a little girl, I dreamt of being whisked away by a handsome prince.
It’s my husband’s dream now.
Shouldn’t it be spelled “Ciclops” with one i?
[Date]
Me: how about a drink? get whatever floats your boat
Her: thanks! i’ll have a mai tai
Me: *glaring* you float a boat with water karen
I scroll twitter wen I use the bathroom at nite bc I’m afraid of the dark, n that way I feel like all my mutuals r peeing w/ me
“You need to chill out, you’ve yelled at everything that isn’t a snack.”
–my 10 year old
My son texted me that he’d forgotten his favorite beer mug and asked if I’d email it to him. Naturally, I knew he meant to say mail, but don’t think for a second that stopped me from emailing him a picture of said mug.
ME: let’s not fight
DOCTOR: you punched me
ME: you stabbed me
DOCTOR: with a needle
ME: let’s not fight
the cat has to wear the cone of shame and i woke up to her standing over me like a homicidal lamp and any way i’ll never be going back to sleep again
what sorcery is this? How does my VLC player know its christmas ????
If a little light yodeling doesn’t solve all your problems, then I don’t know what to tell yoooo-dooleeOoou.
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the sock puppet at home tomorrow
When someone says “No Biggie”, I reply with “not since ‘97” and immediately break down crying
All I’m saying is that I’ve chaperoned a 25 student class field trip and you’re definitely in trouble if you lose even one of them.
For the first time in forever, I used the term “oopsie-daisy”. Couldnt be avoided. I mean what else do you say when you drop someone’s baby?
A cheap way to get Botox face is by walking your dog in zero degree temperature.
April showers? Big whoop, so do I.
It sucks when you’re stuck in traffic behind a truck so you have no idea what’s going on down the road. For all you know Godzilla is melting cars a block ahead.
Saw a bumper sticker that said ‘Jesus is the answer.’ Two cars later I saw one that said ‘Who farted?’ Best game of Highway Jeopardy ever.
Her: is the game almost over?
Me: this is just the first half
Her: uggghh how many more halves are there?
Me: you’re pretty
Tried a new approach to filing taxes this year.
Why can’t Stephen Hawking dance? Because he’s white.
“This place needs to be sticky, wall to wall.”
-Every 2 year old with a Popsicle.
my only request if I ever get murdered is that you don’t let it be solved on a podcast
WIFE: don’t be weird at the party tonight
ME: am i ever weird?
[dinner party]
CHERYL: how’s the soup taste?
ME: like the blood of my enemies
The guy who named peacocks was never allowed to name anything again
If you spotted a white guy with headphones throwing gang signs on the subway today, that was just me listening to the soundtrack of Frozen