Show her how romantic you are by sprinkling body parts in a trail leading to the bed.
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[Doctor’s Office]
Sir, it appears you have takes-everything-literally disease.
“Is it bad, doc?”
Yes, but bear in mind-
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
If you post a picture of your kids today, you have to write, “thankful for my little turkeys.” I don’t make the rules.
Boss: Did you bring the reports?
Me: Hold on.
*reaches into pockets and pulls out two middle fingers*
Boss: I resign. You’re the boss now.
If it takes 13 muscles to smile and 33 to frown, how do we tell if someone’s happy and not just lazy?
My wife is the most beautiful, intelligent person standing right behind me reading my Twitter feed.
The best revenge is a life lived well or cyanide in their coffee.
Debit card was repeatedly declined at the grocery store today. I was trying to buy vegetables so the bank just assumed the card was stolen
The gym I never go to closed, so now I’ll have to not go to a different one.
I just wished a Bride-to-be good luck on her first marriage.
She didn’t seem to appreciate my sincerity.
some tweets get big favs but no RTs. why? [camera pans to dog in lab coat high up on a distant ledge. we’re too far away to hear his answer]
Does the writer who left the space blank get upset when a note is added that it was intentionally left blank?
Who called them riverboat casinos and not dealerships?
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*Nurse 1: I’m exhausted.
Nurse 2: I hate Labor Day.
Parents: When you finish the chores will you please look for a job.
Me: [painting the cat’s claws] Still a lot to do unfortunately.
when you wake up in the morning after you went there last night planning to break up
[First date]
Me: So, I’ve been married for 12 years –
Him: You’re married??
Me: Is that a problem?
I’m not saying it rains a lot in the UK, but I am amazed we don’t get more medieval-style terrified by the occasional snatched glimpses of a giant ball of fire in the sky.
#AddAWomanToASong How Streep is your love.
Cop: Anything you say can and will be held against you.
Me: SCARLETT JOHANSSON
Wife: omg it’s happening
Me: what is?
*the lights go out, wind rattles the windows*
Wife: the baby is coming
Me: what?!
Wife: the baby is coming right now
Me: you’re not pregnant!
*door creaks open*
Wife: run
My daughter is writing a poem about our dog and she’s trying to find a word that rhymes with his name. Our dog’s name is Tucker. This will not end well.
As a young girl she played the game Operation and dreamed about the day she could illegally harvest vital organs in real life.
I got out of bed this morning and decided it was time to turn it around. So, I did a 180 and went back to bed.
As it turns out, “harder” is a horrible safe word.
How does a hippie polygamist count his wives?
1. Mrs. Hippie 2. Mrs. Hippie 3. Mrs. Hippie 4. Mrs. Hippie
The bad thing about subtweets is you can never be sure the recipient received it. That’s why it’s better to shoot them.
The water out of the bottle I stuffed into the fridge without a lid last night tasted like lettuce, and now I just have so many questions, like first of all, who bought lettuce?
I refuse to stay at a Holiday Inn until they publicly specify what holiday they are referring to.
[aquarium]
*penguin strapped on my back*
Ma’am, is that a penguin on your back?
No, it’s just a backpack.
Oh, WHAT’S IN IT?!
um, fish