“Bluetooth or Insane?” is a fun game we all play when we see a lone person speaking out loud in public.
You Might Also Like
kanye is pretty mean for someone with yay in their name.
OH. COME. ON.
god: *inventing horse* this is pretty fast
angel: and so wild
god: only a lunatic would ride one
angel: are you—
god: —ima make a lunatic
Me: Tie me up? That’s kinky
My Kidnapper: You’ve made this awkward now
We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.
my daughter just died of embarrassment when i accidentally appeared for two-tenths of a second in the background of her class zoom meeting. please respect my family’s privacy during this difficult time.
grandma what big eyes u have
The better to see u with my dear
What big ears u have
Well thats kinda rude
What big teeth u have
Ur grounded
“Is Pepsi okay?”
– waitress slowly leafing through Pepsi’s disturbing drawings.
I’d love to go to the mall with you honey, but the court order says I can’t come within 50 feet of any mannequins.
I spent over $200 at the grocery store yesterday which means there will be no food in my house by tomorrow.
I’m a mom so that means I have to clean the shower while I’m taking one.
Whenever I have a panic attack, I put a paper bag over my mouth & once I’m done drinking the alcohol inside I feel a lot better.
My coffee maker isn’t working and I can’t help but think that I could come up with a solution if I only had some coffee
Skipping is exercise…that’s why I’m always skipping the gym.
Apologizing for canceling a meeting is like saying sorry for buying me a beer.
Friend: Can you drive me to work next week?
Me: What time?
F: 6 AM
M: 6 AM?! Hold on….
*pushes my car off a bridge*
M: I’m back. No.
My hair style can best be described as “Always looks as if I just pulled a sweater over my head.”
I wish I had the confidence of someone who would let themselves be tattooed in a place they can’t see.
Why did Star Wars Episodes 4, 5 & 6 come out before 1,2 & 3?
Because in charge of directing, Yoda was.
interviewer: it says here u jump to conclusions
me: so I’m hired?
Fun prank: Super glue a baby to the floor and see how many people try to pick it up as they walk by
Please enjoy this video of a baby eating queso for the first time
The biggest issue with mass immigration is all those people are going to make Europe too heavy and it will sink into the ocean, and the see-saw effect will raise the far east into the stratosphere and launch Chinese people into space.
Why is no one talking about this?
My boyfriend asked me why I bother watching cooking shows when I cant cook so I asked why he bothered watching porn.
I found toothpaste on my comb, door and pet tortoise and now I’m reconsidering teaching my child about good oral hygiene.
10 bucks says when Dora grows up, she’s gonna be a drug mule.
Interviewer: where do ya see yourself in 5yrs
Me: going through a Denny’s trash bin
I: but you might get this job
M: haha that’s… irrelevant
January is the biggest month every year in my office for divorce filings.
So when someone says “Tis the season to be jolly!” I cynically think “Well. We shall see.”
The Compass
That plant looks good. Let’s eat the bit that stays in the dirt
– first person to cook a potato