Hey…quick question, fellas:
Does it still count as leg day if you just shaved them?
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Horrifying if literal: armchairs
My O face is the same face I make when I eat really sour pickles
Which is why the lights stay off!
My kid just looked at a random speaker and said, “Alexa! Oh wait, that’s not your name,” and then walked away as if nothing happened.
Let’s walk and talk.
You go that way.
if you mash a potato and then change your mind, just mail me the mashed potato and i will un-mash it and send it back
It’s not my job to tell people where they’re failing in life.
It’s just a hobby.
Just came to the realization that my ten year high school reunion will be in 10 months. I have about nine days to get married and pregnant.
This morning I brushed my hair with an American Girl doll brush because, apparently, she is the only one in my house who puts things back where they belong.
Worrying that Disney will ruin Star Wars is like worrying that a second iceberg will dive down to hit the Titanic.
I’m getting tired of my husband always borrowing lotion that I stole from his gym bag.
I accidentally inhaled some soap when I was washing my face and then I coughed and no bubbles came out. Cartoons are full of shit.
Me: death by loneliness? Is that even a thing?
Fortune teller, shrugs: look honestly I had never heard of it until you walked in
When life hands you gators, make Gatorade…just kidding-that means life hates you because the gators would totally kill and eat you 1st.
[going to the gym for the first time ever] Forgive me trainer for I have sinned, it has been 37 years since I’ve worked out
Romantically smoking a postcoital cigar from both ends with your lover like in Lady and The Tramp
DATE: I’m leaving
ME: Why?
D: You keep pretending to be a bat
M: I don’t
D: You’re doing it right now
[a single tear rolls up my forehead]
The Earth gets a day, Sharks get a week. That sounds about right.
I keep an extra stash of tampons in my purse to launch at blowhards who punctuate the end of their sentence with the word, “Period!”
I get it crossfitters, if I did that I’d be angry, too.
Angel: Welcome to Heaven
Me: But… this is a Costco…
A: Yes. And here is a map with the exact locations listed for every item you need
M: *falls to my knees, sobbing with emotion and gratitude*
My uncle told me the other day that the world is in a really crazy place when Twitter seems more logical than the general public so congrats y’all are considered the most sane people on the planet by at least one person
*during sex*
Him: come on baby, moan for me….
Me: why didn’t you unload the bloody dishwasher like I asked?
I’ve had the same phone for over three years, so I know a thing or two about commitment and frustration.
‘Siri, am I an alcoholic?’, I whisper into my burrito.
BOSS: I’m sorry I just don’t trust your judgment.
ME: [trying to pick up glass of water with both fists wedged in Pringles tubes] explain..
Weighing your giraffe: a guide:
1) Become VERY strong
2) Weigh yourself
3) Weigh yourself again, holding your giraffe
4) Subtract figure one from figure two
My computer caught a mosquito virus and has malwaria.
How many babies got thrown out with the bathwater before they invented that saying?
Robbing a bank and getting away in a hot air balloon is on my bucket list.
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you