[blind date]
HER: I love the fall
ME {trying to impress her}: Lucifer had it coming
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Our daughter ran away from home
once when she was a teenager.We were frantic.
Within months, we called the police
to report her missing.
ME WATCHING SUCCESSION S01E01: so i guess these guys do business or something?
ME WATCHING SUCCESSION S02E10: roman’s bid to secure private funding would have won the proxy war but ultimately the capital wasn’t reliable enough to prevent the firm from h
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
Lawyer: so tell me, why was my client’s mouth bleeding?
Dentist: he doesn’t floss
Me: You hit me!
D: [puts lips on mic] bc you don’t floss
Judging by the way my kids raced to see who could chug their chocolate milk the fastest at the dinner table, I’d have to say they are never, ever going to be allowed at a keg party.
89% of the time when my husband tells me I look great what he really means is “We needed to leave five minutes ago.”
My husband told me I cheated on him in his dream.
The best response was not “Was he hot?”
I know this now.
Stop saying “There’s plenty of fish in the sea.” I’m sick of fish seducing all our human women!
I just dusted like 4 years ago this is bullshit
My entire life looks like a drug deal gone bad.
Grocery guy here with a reminder…
You don’t “un-thaw” things from the freezer. You “thaw” them. Un-thaw would be freezing it😒
“One should never name drop”
The Queen told me that
He was a skater boy, half shark/alligator boy
-Dr. Octavril Lavigne
Whatever you do, always give 100%. Unless you’re donating blood
Me: Alexa, play “You should see me in a crown”
Alexa: I’d like to see you in some pants
I always double-check our garage door is closed at night. I don’t want someone stealing all the stuff we’ve been trying to get rid of for years.
Pixar has made me feel affection towards rats, bugs, fish, robots, monsters and even cars. The real test would be a movie about coworkers.
My landlord is pissed off at me for being naked in the front yard…and now he just asked me to leave his cookout.
The Kardashians is what happens when you feed a gremlin after midnight.
A person becomes 10 times more attractive not by their looks but by photoshop
You know I’m all about that bass,
‘Bout that bass…
Nothing confuses me more than a straight up street thug with braces.
going to casually drop this here so everyone can worry with me
Oh good. Another podcast set decorated with bobble heads. Remember when nerds had the the good manners to be ashamed of themselves?
“If you started at 16 and work until you’re 23.
That would give you 10 years of experience.”
Back to school for you My friend!
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc u hate ventriloquism
HER: yes
BUNNY: [quietly] don’t let her see u cry
his wife is probably gonna see that
restaurant hosts will be like “let’s sit them at table 26Bq105” and then a server will just be like “ok follow me”
7: is it tomorrow yet?
Me: nope, it’s still today.
7: aww
I just cleaned out my purse. So, I’ll be having a garage sale later this afternoon.