Him: Hey, we haven’t spoken in months!
Me *grabs his face* and now you’ve ruined it
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[speed dating session]
Me: I have a good job with benefits. I love movies and hiking. And I’m a cat person.
Her: I love that! *writes her number on a napkin and slides it across to me*
Me: *slowly pushes the napkin off the table*
*hears someone breaking into my house*
Me from upstairs: Don’t you dare touch the last piece of chocolate cake!
Good news. My neighbor found that last box of fireworks.
I’ll defend my wife in any situation, and if we ever see a killer clown I hope she can run as fast as me.
Just hired a dirtying lady. About to watch her and my cleaning lady fight it out.
This guy at the gym just did 3 sets of selfies.
Me: I want ice cr-
Girl who studied abroad: the gelato in Italy is soooo much better than ice cream. Trust me, I’ve been to Italy
What idiot called it a national anthem instead of country music?
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*Wife (out of breath): Thanks for holding the elevator open
Me: No problem
You’ll use a different oven for the pizza, right? RIGHT?
FedEx said they needed an adult signature to me, the 26 yo wearing this nice sophisticated outfit 😔
to celebrate the 30th anniversary of Jurassic Park we will be switching off 30 of the world’s most important electric fences.
I can usually tell when a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs.
Got sent to HR for impersonating a fire alarm during a staff meeting again
If I go in my purse and pull out items solely by shape, I never know if it’s gonna be a pen, a tampon, or a stick of beef jerky.
My husband asked what I wanted for Valentine’s day
Apparently ‘a night out with my boyfriend’ is not an acceptable answer
my kidney: can you stop with the alcohol?
my heart: yes and also start eating better?
my brian: do whta yuo liek.
me: love you, brian.
me: can i borrow $100
friend: promise u won’t buy drugs with it
me: oh i already have money for that
covid spelled backwards is devil. Don’t look just take my word for it.
My kids’ hamster escaped and I found her hiding from them in the closet so I just left her in there because honestly I get it… I get it.
Impervious: being an admitted pervert
Me: I just want to go on vacation where the food is cheap, there are no kids, and no other people
Husband: So send the kids to your parents for a week and stay home?
Me: Perfect
“That seems like a you problem” was my favorite comeback until my 5 yo said it to me
ME: You bring that cash you owe me?
ELEPHANT: Oh, sorry man, I forgot.
ME: No you didn’t.
5 kept asking Alexa what time his friend was coming over today. he was getting pissed when she didn’t know the answer.
dude may be able to work a tablet better than me but it’s good to be reassured i’m still smarter.
me: *filling my plate with a heaping pile of mashed potatoes*
brain: THIS IS PORTION CONTROL PUT THE SERVING SPOON DOWN WE REPEAT PUT TH
me: *goes radio silent*
nobody needs to go to school for code. if your code doesnt work just keep putting } at the end until it works
Me: These eye makeup remover pads are amazing.
Mom: Those are medicated hemorrhoidal pads.
Me: would you trade me for a younger woman?
H: oh honey age doesn’t matter! I’d trade for someone who doesn’t talk through the game.
Sorry I fell in love when you did your flailing arms dance