Every time my dentist is kind enough to tell me I need to floss, I am kind enough to tell him that he needs to trim his nostril hairs.
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Impress them on your first date by showing up in a shirt with their face on it.
When there’s a police car behind you with their lights flashing…
It means speed up, right?
Seriously you guys, the only reason to check Facebook, is to find out where people are going, and then go somewhere else.
Me: What would you give me if I can fit this whole waffle in my mouth?!
Wife: An uncontested divorce
her: you seem really upset, what’s up?
me: [thinking about how many people died before cinnamon toast crunch was invented and will never know what it tastes like] uh just work stuff i guess
We think whale songs are beautiful, but that’s just how they communicate. Imagine giving someone directions to the gas station and some white woman records and cries to it.
If denial isn’t a skill, how can my brain convince me that I can reach in my purse with wet nails and it’s going to be be fine?
DATE: So tell me something about yourself
ME: I like to call frozen burgers ‘brrrgers’
HER: I need to see other people
I don’t have kids, but once I was on a plane next to a man and his young daughter, a first-time flier, and as she looked out the window and squealed with excitement, I found myself thinking about how differently things could have turned out if I’d gotten that window seat.
REASONS TO BRING BACK DRAGONS
• can cook your toast
• would be a warm and wholesome nap partner
• riding one + your cloak fluttering behind you is epic
• they can scream companionably with you
• if you’re losing an argument, your dragon can just eat the person
3yo and I were in a store & she pointed at a toy purse shouting ‘I want a pretty pursey!’ but her ‘r’s’ aren’t well pronounced so I never went back to that store again
[45 minutes into Charlie and the Chocolate Factory]
7 year old: how does he still have a job?
I’m so thankful for the guy who pressed the crosswalk button 10x after watching me push it.
I bet his will be the winning push that saves the day.
My husband is putting the clean dishes away from the dishwasher so I need to leave the house to avoid damage to my eardrums
Nearly one in two marriages end in divorce, so statistically it isn’t enough to make sure your own marriage is good, real wed-heads should actively be working to break other couples up.
Some of my best friends are shaped like pills.
I have sitting jeans and I have standing jeans, but I don’t have a pair that’ll do both.
My dad and I went to a restaurant and the waiter pointed at the QR code on the wall and said “thats our menu” and left and my dad looked at it really close and said “Is this some kind of joke”
How come when everyone else heats up sugar they get caramel and I get a higher fire insurance premium?
Give me the unsend button you stupid bird
help keep the English language alive by teaching your kids nearly outdated expressions
Plus nothing beats a 5yo pointing & yelling “BEHOLD!”
Pronounces it worst shit sure sauce.
*mob meeting*
ayo new guy—who’re you?“they call me the butcher”
oh yea? why’s that, butch?
*smacks him with a pork loin* “no reason”
[First day of class at law school]
*raises hand*
Hi, yes. When do we get our white, curly wigs?
What about a To-Don’t List?
I only hug people to practice in case I need a human shield.
Me (young, foolish): refrigerator may I have a few ice cubes?
Refrigerator (old, wise): one or one-thousand, there is no few
As 2021 closes, I am reminded of a saying.
Time flies like an arrow…
But fruit flies like a banana.
I’d watch more Olympic figure skating if they had defense
*refills beautiful woman’s wine glass* haha I feel like I’ve been talking about corn dogs–and my love of corn dogs–all night