*5 puts on shoes*
Me: they’re on the wrong feet.
5: but I can’t…
Me: can’t..?
5 I don’t have any more feet to put them on.
Me: touche
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boba fett is short for robert fettuccine
I sympathize with the journalist intern assigned to uncover my scandalous past, only to stumble upon countless pictures of me indulging in gravy.
PLEASE DO NOT SUMMON WHEAT THINS FROM THE TOILET
Been married so long it’s almost like a first date. Husband is always wondering if he’s even gonna make it to 1st base.
Kid: What’s this?
Me: A napkin holder
K: What’s a napkin?
M: You wipe your hands on it when they’re dirty
K: You mean like the couch?
M: …
Mistletoe, poinsettias, and holly berries are all toxic plants that can potentially be harmful to humans and pets.
Here’s a great idea, let’s decorate our house with them for Christmas!
Midnight snack: battle between how much you crave food versus how much you don’t want to brush your teeth again
I replaced the bulb in my refrigerator with a tanning bulb… that way if I ever get fat, at least I’ll have nice color.
Do you think transformers go clubbing at auto dealerships?
[young Santa Claus’s dating profile] looking for a girl who loves snow, living in perpetual darkness and cooking for thousands of elf slaves
Me: I wish I was super hot.
Menopause: Say no more, fam.
Oh, lord. I brought my mouth with me to work today and it’s all sass. Prayers, please.
Girl: I only date guys who can ice skate and make puns.
Me: *sighs and reluctantly starts putting on skates* “Figures.”
[first day as a scientist]
Scientist: you have a budget of $1.3m
*2 weeks later*
Scientist: we need a progress update
Me [has blown the budget on an army of genetically engineered dog size giraffes]: wind is basically air in a hurry
Will I ever see the word “antipasta” on a menu and not think on dumb reflex “wow, pasta’s nemesis”
Hmmmmm
My cat is trying to kill me. 🤣
WIFE: We want to renew our vows.
ME: *hands priest paper*
WIFE: We wrote them ourselves.
PRIEST: *pointing* What’s this word?
WIFE: “Combatant.”
Home Alone (1990)
A know-it-all, suburban elitist cruelly humiliates two economically anxious men, seeking to improve their lives
The car salesman said my vehicle will seat five people without any problems. How am I suppose to find five people without any problems?
Told my wife I’d marry her all over again, and we both understood it would only be to get more gifts.
The government says 50 terror plots have been thwarted since NSA surveillance. What a perfectly even, unsuspicious number.
Lesson learned: toddlers don’t understand sarcasm. As a side note, don’t say ‘bite me’ around toddlers that don’t understand sarcasm
did… did they arrest the mountain lions
*wife sees me grab emergency kit from trunk after getting a flat tire*
calm down brent just call a tow tru*I’m already shooting flare gun*
herekittykittykittykitty
– me stoned about to lose a hand to a raccoon
Partner: It’s either me or the abroad scholarship. Choose
Me: I pick u…
Partner: I knew you lov…
Me: …nited airlines
[first date]
me: don’t let her know you vocalise everything you think
her: what?
me: shit she knows
This ATM will not give me free money no matter how many times I try the Konami Code.
me: i’ve started seeing someone
therapist: as in dating or like hallucinations