Just got a residual check for 6 dollars for my scene in Almost Famous sooo…going to Vegas!!!!!!!!
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Me: What’d you do this weekend?
Her: I got a henna tattoo.
Me: (picturing a chicken with body art) Like for her birthday or something?
god: did you give the dinosaurs more muscle like I asked
angel: wait what
god: I told you to make them meatier
angel: oh MEATier
“do you know the best way to get rid of a wasp nest?”
no, try using your phone
[throws phone and hits wasp nest]
*running* I meant google it
normalize slapping the phone out someone’s hand when they use speakerphone in public.
me: you’re probably wondering why I gathered you here today
platter of various cheeses:
Seduce Angela Merkel by fondling the hem of her cardigan while whispering “Aren’t you too pretty to be a Chancellor?”
Sometimes I buy enormous pants and take a picture of myself holding them up just to feel like I lost a ton of weight.
Stopped by a roadside farm where I saw a sign that said “DUCK, EGGS”.
I was contemplating the position of the comma when it hit me.
[Pollock family game night]
Jackson: K who’s gonna be my partner for Pictionary —
Mom: Not it
Dad: Not it
Sis: Not it
Gramma: DAMN IT
Nothing makes sex more awkward than realizing your kid is awake…
and standing outside your door…
and playing the harmonica.
This fish is cracking me up
4yo: fold me like a towel
Me: what?
4yo: FOLD ME
Me: okaaay
4yo: stack me on top of the towels
Me: what?
4yo: STACK ME
Parenthood is wild
Writing a horror story where parents won’t just drop off their children for a play date. They also want to sit and talk. It’s called, “You Really Don’t Have to Stay.”
The problem with Chinese food is an hour later you feel like hacking the Pentagon again.
The worlds largest aircraft prototype is called the Air Lander 10. The helium pumped hybrid aircraft consists of an airplane, airship and helicopter built all in one.
I often wondered what it’d be like to be married to an idiot.
I asked my wife and she said you get used to it after a while.
HOST: Welcome to “Die or Get Killed” the game show that no one survives
ME: Glad to be here, Mort
My kid’s closest friend was telling me that she (16) and some of her school friends were having the discussion: ‘Who is the one man you’d feel comfortable being alone in a room with in any situation.’ Her answer was Shrek.
Essential oils? You mean WD40?
Them: what’s your favorite foreign film?
Me: oh definitely Star Wars
Them: ……
Me: it took place in a galaxy far, far away
Me: it’s also my favorite historical film
Never ask a girl “How are you single?”
BECAUSE THEY WILL SHOW YOU
Assert dominance and avoid the family gatherings this week by getting them all restraining orders for Christmas
After 8 years of research and an obscene amount of funding, we have determined that bat shit is no crazier than any other shit
I bought some milk over the weekend and also picked a new JavaScript framework to use.
At least one of these will be out of date before the week’s up.
i don’t understand the desire to rock climb. we have stairs for that now. solved problem
This text from my boss has every element: “Water you doing? Wind did you get to work this morning? Why on Earth did I hire you? You are Fire’d”
Why does the dentist have to take an X-ray of my teeth. They right there bro
date: i’m very level-headed
me: [furious that the word ratify doesn’t mean to turn something into a rat] omg me too
When I trip I always look back to see who or what did it because it couldn’t have possibly have been my fault.
8 was riding his bike and fell and scratched up his knee pretty good. he can still stand and move it but knowing him he will be unable to walk or do any daily chores for 7-10 business days.