“I just don’t understand why everyone is so worried about the quarantine weight gain. With proper diet, you can drop pounds in a few hours!”
*Gas station attendant nods*
“Anyway, I’ll take that sushi from last month, thanks”
You Might Also Like
Nothing makes me feel as dumb as choking on water. Where is it even going? I have one throat and we do this literally 100 times a day. Just go straight down, bro.
You ever think someone is breaking into your house and then realize oh, it’s just the clothes in the washer I started 5 minutes ago.
Whenever I want to feel like I’m at a house party again I play two podcasts at the same time and then sit on the floor in my kitchen and pet the cat
If hotels can skip the 13th floor why the hell can’t we skip Mondays?
With a straight face, my neighbor asked me not to do yardwork when her boyfriend is outside.
So yes, I think they’re in a healthy relationship.
18yo is deliberately putting the cutlery in the wrong places in the drawer when he puts them away. So I’ve put some of his game discs in the wrong boxes. Let’s see who’s head explodes first.
I hate when people say “next time you’re in my neck of the woods”
omg this isn’t the prairie Laura, you live across from a Starbucks
I wouldn’t say I want to write a book so much as I want to have written a book
My axe boyfriend was a lumberjack.
I’m sorry.
I have concluded that dryer lint is the cremated remains of all the missing socks.
Guy pitching Stuart Little: So this family adopts a kid and the whole story is about the new kid learning what it is to have a family and be loved
Producer: That sounds beautiful
Guy: The new kid is also a rat
Me: *buying one beer, one carrot, one potatoe & one steak*
Cashier: you must be single?
Me: yes, lol. How did you know?
Cashier: you’re ugly.
Coral is stupid in my opinion. You’re a rock that can die? Sounds like the worst of both worlds but “you do you”
why in the hell am i in my kitchen right now letting this casserole win?
A great way to make people nervous is to tell them where the bathroom is without their asking.
One of my most strongly held beliefs is that if you push down hard enough on anyone’s shoulders extra hair will start piping out of their head like a play-doh barbershop set
genie: what’s your 3rd wish
me: i wish u had amnesia
genie: what’s your 1st wish
“Pretend to be someone you’re not and receive candy.” Quick: Halloween or Valentine’s Day?
ME: Every tool in The Flintstones was an animal modified into servitude. Except for transportation. A role historically fulfilled by animals, yet man had to power their cars alone. It feels symbolically significant.
ARCHAEOLOGY PROFESSOR: How do you keep getting in here?
[At the Rumble]
her *aggressively taking off earrings and heels*
me *desperately trying to find somewhere to set down my ice cream cone*
Airport Yelp reviews are like “security took forever, drinks are too expensive 1/5 stars. Will fly again”
me: what kind of dog is that?
him: husky
me: sorry, *deep raspy voice* what kind of dog is that?
My cat managed to open a kitchen cabinet and sliced open a bag of flour. I walked into what looked like a feline version of the movie Blow.
Oh, you love me? Name three of my recent emotional breakdowns
5 year old: can you breathe on the moon?
me: no, there’s no oxygen
5 year old: what if you had an oxygen tank?
me: then yes
5 year old: what if the oxygen tank was empty?
me: then no
5 year old: what if you refilled it with oxygen?
me: is someone paying you to do this?
*the fog lifts*
*the fog eats a high protein-low fat diet*
*the fog does cardio*
*the fog is fit af*
Sick of people telling me to “calm down” and “release the hostages.”
I just pulled a muscle tearing up my gym membership card.
Is it safe for Ryan Gosling to wink at a girl that’s already pregnant or does it like, poke the baby?
ask your girlfriend for her ring size and then give her a personalised bowling ball