My dog: Look, they were over baked. Sooo, you’re welcome.
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Therapist: What brings you here today?
Me: I’m a middle child.
Therapist: I see, classi..
Me: In between two sets of twins.
Therapist: *on intercom* Sheila clear my week.
4: What does antique mean?
Me: It means old-
4: Oh…like you?
Husband has entrusted me with sending holiday gifts to his employees. Should I sign them XoXo or is it considered more professional to spell out Hugs and Kisses?
Sometimes I stand in the shower for 10 minutes before I remember what I’m supposed to be doing. So, yes your secrets are safe with me.
Them: We’re concerned about you. We think you’re a Black Widow [offers me cake & coffee]
Me: No thanks. I’m trying not to eat between males
I just kissed the cat and now she has peanut butter on her head.
[1st date]
“My birthday is on April 20th, so 4/20. Isn’t that cool? When’s yours?”
Oh, umm *sweating* Sextember 69th
me: the most exercise I get is from sex
friend: but you’re so out of shape
Hey Pringles, It’s time to widen the can. Your core demographic isn’t exactly thin-wristed. Thank you!
Scientists use dead bodies? Jesus, I know they’re nerds but they should still be able to make living friends.
me looking at the supermarket camera after eating a grape
Baby, you’re a firework: You hold my interest for about 15 minutes and scare the shit out of my dog.
Bout to have a wild Saturday night playing Diablo III with children til the wee hours (probably around 8pm)
If I ever go to prison I will immediately go up to the biggest person and tickle them.
“I’m light-headed. I just need to eat.”
-my excuse for everything
If you get robot arms don’t get the cheap ones [starts clapping for no reason]
After 46 years of service, Voyager 1 has stopped communicating with Earth, even Voyager 1 has had enough of our f****** bullshit.
I’m my own worst enemy which is frustrating because I’d always hoped my worst enemy would have an eye patch.
No I’ve never had a tumor removed, but I did uninstall facebook
I have two goals today. Breathe (nailing it) and shower (wish me luck).
why do we park in the driveway but fetishize an impossible and ridiculous masculinity on the hemingway
Whoa, whoa whoa…
I only lick people on the street when I need them to get out of my way.
I’m the hottest thing these people at the cataract surgery center have ever seen.
[Me]: What’s a snowman’s favorite drink?
[Bartender]: idk
[Me]: Brrrr-bon lol
[Bartender]: …
[Me]: jk snowmen don’t drink they aren’t real
I’m not religious, but if someone is turning water into wine, let’s take a second look.
You can’t be the most good looking one at any wedding because you can’t compete with how great the food looks.
i don’t think it’ll all fit in there
trying to cheat on my philosophy final by texting my friend who took it last year: “hey man, how ought one to live”
No one has stolen my lunch at work since I started labeling it “Stool Sample.”
I was raised in an apocalyptic cult but not the cool kind with orgies or human sacrifice. No, I couldn’t be so lucky. This one just had math equations to solve and scores of pamphlets to read.