I wish the entire planet could come together as one and agree to refer to Kanye as Kanye Kardashian so we can bask in his shattered ego.
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My “my wife is not having an affair with her karate teacher” headline is raising a lot of questions already answered by my headline.
*3am
Me: *thinking* That bird sounds pretty damn happy for the middle of the night.
Bird: *chirping* Dear God why can’t I sleep?!!!
Me: *has cold*
Internet remedies:
-feed it
-deep breaths
-stay active
-fast
-don’t breathe
-suspend yourself in mid air
-click like and subscribe
The repair guy is showing me broken parts from my dryer, and he might as well be showing my dog a wine list
[Nightclub]
Me: *shouting over the loud music at the bartender* I NEED HOT WATER FOR MY CUP O’ NOODLES
TUESDAY. The day you realize that nothing can stop you, because you are a MAGIC SKELETON packed with MEAT and animated with ELECTRICITY and IMAGINATION. You have a cave in your face full of sharp bones and five tentacles at the end of each arm. YOU CAN DO ANYTHING, MAGIC SKELETON
Cancelling plans is okay. Putting yourself first is okay. Going into the forest and abandoning society is okay. Befriending a pack of wolves and assimilating into their wolf pack is okay. Howling at the moon is okay. Do what you need to do to cope.
Sorry Im late, I saw that Spongebob episode where he’s a lifeguard but cant swim, even though they live underwater & now my brain is leaking
My body language is more audible than visual.
*stomach growls
thanksgiving should be called feaster
Wife: You’re so lucky, I’m like a trophy wife!
Me: Wow, I’d hate to see what they gave to the second place guy.
I think my kids feel the same dread when I get their report cards as I do when they hear me open up a bag of oreos
Drive me up the wall, so I know you’re 4 wheel
If two wrongs don’t make a right, I might as well try for three.
Mood.. 😂
Cop: can you describe the man who stole your watch?
Me: Yes, he had exceptional taste
I never know at which syllable to stop when saying banananananana
reminder
I JUST DRUNK 37 MONSTER ENERGYS AND NOW I CAN SMELL ABSTRACT LEGISLATIVE EUPHEMISMS
I highly suggest that you do not google that term.
Is this what y’all think when you read my tweets 🤦🏻♀️😂
I’ve been hearing noises in the house for a while now and while Twitter was down last night I discovered I have a wife!
HOLD YOUR HORSES. TELL YOUR HORSES YOU LOVE THEM. DONT BE TOO STRICT WITH YOUR HORSES OR THEY’LL DATE OLDER HORSES GET TATTOOS & HAVE PONIES
[at the doctors]
me: *opens wide and goes ahh*
proctologist: how the hell r u doing that?
*strips off clothes, stands on desolate highway holding sign saying “Last Naked Guy For 75 Miles”
I never really understood the tiny house trend, but then I saw one where the bed was literally in the kitchen, and now I get it.
“well i asked asked her to move in after 3 months but i don’t think-”
[cop interrupts me] do you know how fast you were going IN YOUR CAR
[Turing Test]
Tester: Let’s start with an easy one, the square root of 29241?
Subject: 171!
Tester:
Subject: I meant, idk math is hard. lol
If you change your avi, I will assume you’ve stolen all your previous tweets from that other guy.
Mensa should be calling any day now.