I’m planning to adopt a dog soon, it wasn’t my first choice but my doctor told me I can’t have any biologically.
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Dear people who manually retweet, I hope the next time you’re about to get laid someone steps in and does it for you
“Do you moan when you eat?”
Me, making small talk in an elevator
thank you for bringing your bluetooth speaker to the beach, i was concerned the ocean would be too soothing
Peregrine falcons: Attack from above. Prey on smaller birds. Silent. Cowards.
Geese: Will land in front of a full grown man. Hiss and honk to let you know battle has commenced. Audible boss music. Brave.
me: AAAAAA SPIDER, KILL IT KILL IT
wife: [destroys spider’s confidence and self worth until it throws itself into traffic]
i just took the price tag off of a gift i will be giving to my cat
If I take anymore ibuprofen, I’m going to have to log it as a snack.
My 4yo is trying to wash the dishes for me so don’t tell me I’m not allowed to have a favorite child.
i stopped listening to the radio once they stopped making them out of ham
[the first couples argument]
Adam: It’s Christmas Eve.
Eve: No, you idiot. Christmas is tomorrow.
Young couple: “She has the most adorable laugh!”
Married couple: “Her laugh is like if a braying donkey swallowed a kazoo.”
Instead of a promise ring, I wear an onion ring
I’m saving my appetite for something pure
While I might feel unsure how to react, my middle finger is well versed in handling stupid people.
cop: you’re so busted
me: thanks. I just had them done
Be right back. Gotta climb a huge hill, put my 4 yr old on a piece of plastic & then shove him down a sheet of ice.
I gained three pounds last weekend and I’m fairly certain the switch to daylight saving time has something to do with it.
You’d think after 12 years of filming Boyhood someone would be like hey maybe we should make this good.
You get what you get and you don’t get upset. Unless you’re me, and then it’s the crying and the wailing and the walking with chains dragging at all hours.
my cat has the hiccups and he’s trying to lick his own belly and every time he hiccups he looks around like who the hell did that
Someone taught my daughter how to craft 3D snowflakes and now she’s made so many that the inside of my home looks like it was in the path of an avalanche.
Me: ugh I HATE meeting new people
Midwife: Support his head
My 1yo is crawling around on the floor eating a pretzel, which shouldn’t be a problem except I don’t remember the last time I bought pretzels.
Therapist: Why are you here?
Me: Ahh, the great existential question. Why are any of us-
Therapist: No, I mean your appointment is tomorrow.
so my neighbor and i both had mouse sightings this week. here’s how our landlord responded:
Me: What if itches are just ghost spiders haunting your body?
Children: Wait, what?
Me, switching off light: Nothing, g’night kids
Ninety percent of being an accountant is fighting off the babes…
I try to use proper grammar and punctuation in all of my tweets, until I’m about to go over the 140 character limit…& den u no how it b.
I’d rather be hit in the face with a shit-filled sock than to ever attempt helping my parents install a DVD player over the phone again
An Ohio judge ruled gay marriage legal, as long as the person is dead, proving that the slippery slope now includes gay necrophila.
The size of the gates in Jurassic Park suggests they were always planning on letting the dinosaurs out.