Taco Bell doesn’t have a playground because kids that eat Taco Bell can’t climb, or run.
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me: are you telling me how to raise my children?
necromancer: trying to, yeah
You stop eating apples if your doctor is cute.
There should be an energy drink named 6 AM toddler.
Playing Tubular Bells to end the baptism wasn’t quite the closing my aunt was looking for but in my defense it did clear out the church.
Boy George: Do You Really Want To Hurt Me?
2020: Haha you have no idea.
“This was the only way I could speak with you in private. That human woman? She’s trying to kill you.”
Got very excited when I saw that Mastodon was trending. Was quite disappointed to discover that it had nothing to do with prehistoric animals.
I asked 5 why she threw her peas on the floor and she said “it wasn’t me it was my imaginary friend“ and I said “I didn’t know you had an imaginary friend” and she said “I don’t, I just thought of it when you got cross about the peas”
Going to change my display name here to “Actually…,” so I won’t have to type it out every time I reply to a tweet.
Please stop summoning me if you’re out of sacrificial snacks.
When I die, I hope people react the way my kids do when the iPad freezes.
Sometimes when my family is especially ungrateful, I don’t wash the vegetables when I make their salads.
*medication may cause
– hair cramps
– tongue mold
– restless skin syndrome
– pomegranate ear
– swamp lip
– knee teeth
WOW! SNOWING EVERYWHE…. it stopped.
OMG IT’S STARTING AGAIN AND… nvrmind.
HERE IT IS AGAIN, WEEE…its gone.– Snow globe, the story.
“When I’m dead, I’d like you to buy a $9,000 box and throw it down a hole.”
-Humans
Where do rainbows go when they’re bad?
Prism. It’s a light sentence
NASA: The moon is wobbling.
Me [on my 3rd Bloody Mary]: same
[first day as a tsa agent]
me: arms up
guy: [t-pose]
me: [hugs him] you have a great flight
I blink one eye at a time because flying squirrels can attack at any moment.
I bought my 7 yo light pink bedsheets & she keeps referring to them as her “skin sheets” and telling me how creepy they are.
“I’m going to bed now but I want you to know these skin sheets are terrifying”
*at Starbucks*
7yo: can I order for you?
Me: sure!
7yo: my mom wants the drink with the salt on the rim. She has it allll the time!
I have decided to leave my past behind me.. so If I owe you money..I’m sorry. but I’ve moved on.
Wife (to our teen): Can you unload the dishwasher?
Teen: See, this is why I don’t come down here
got kicked out of Home Depot for trying to ride the forklift into the bathroom again
Breaking news:
#WhenIMisspelled ya know.
Ever since Facebook allowed images in their comments sections people only ever communicate via pictures. We’re 21st-century cavemen.
Families that do Christmas card photo shoots months before Christmas have the organizational skills of high-level Nazis.
Every group chat births a second smaller group chat without the annoying people, and if you think yours doesn’t, I have some bad news