Just when you think you’re raising a normal child, one day you look at your 10 y/o and she’s biting into the middle of the taco first.
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Eating pancakes and bacon when I forget to put my teeth in is just not the same.
I’ve learnt a lot from the movies over the years, such as how to count using Roman numerals…
I, II, III, IV, V, Balboa.
ME: what language is this
BING: croatian
ME: nice what does it say
BING: how the heck would I know
This rocks
me: ah shit, 4 missed calls from my mom…[stares at door]
[FBI agents kick in door] WHY DO U EVEN HAVE A CELL PHONE IF U NEVER ANSWER IT
Have girl problem? Feel bad for you son. I live in Russia. Have 99 problems. Bear ate car. Wife ate bear. Son ate wife. I eat son now?
Newsreader FACT: John Snow started his career at an Eskimo news channel but was let go because it took too long to introduce him.
I stopped yelling at my kids when they piss me off
and started taking bites of their sandwiches instead.12yo is going to school with JUST crusts today.
Why do I have so many emails?
I don’t mean mail, I mean addresses.
Birds do it/Bees do it/Even educated fleas do it/Let’s do it/Let’s make people super nervous anytime we’re in their personal space
Signed, sealed, delivered.
Me: Wrong address.
Just realized the girl I flipped off in the parking lot is in my next class.. This could be awkward.
My 5yo won an argument with me by saying “I’m just going to agree with myself”
Im an adult and still don’t play by the rules *pretends to take long drag from chocolate cigarette*
I want to be a pilot, but mostly so I’d have an excuse to tell passengers, “Where we’re going, we don’t need roads.”
technically true but not a great slogan
Me: sorry I get a little twitchy when people touch my feet
Podiatrist: *bleeding profusely from the nose* I see that
doing your own taxes
PISSED: teen gets fed up with teacher
“can i use the bathroom?”
“i don’t know, CAN you?”
*takes deep breath*
*pisses all over teachers desk*
Before company arrives we like to clean our house so there’s no evidence that we live like circus monkeys the other 364 days of the year!
Does everyone’s inner monologue have a laugh track?
Does your wife know you’re single?
Do people who talk on their phones while driving know you can use driving as an excuse to avoid talking on the phone?
ME [as a kid]: i won’t be a grumpy old man
ME [now]: *gets mad at a car for being orange*
Hey baby, do you like tan lines? Because I fell asleep with a badminton racquet on my face again and
I don’t like to wear workout clothes. When people see me jogging they probably think “Why is he wearing boots? Why is he jogging at night? It’s way too hot to be wearing a ski mask. Is that an exercise knife?”
sorry I broke up with you in the middle of a corn maze
*shaking my boyfriend awake* babe. babe. what was the best thing BEFORE sliced bread.
just responded to every text i haven’t replied to in weeks by sharing my wordle which i got in 2 guesses
[First Date]
HER: Do you consider yourself a feminist?
ME: Oh I’m not feminist at all!
HER:
ME: In fact, some of my best friends are women.