Grocery store bagger: need help out to your car?
me: *gets in the cart* yes.
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Whenever my kid comes to me whining about something I always tell them daddy knows just how to help.
A little too much information.
Meteorologist: Dress for the 70s today.
Me: Okay.
“I will not have my voice silenced! This is censorship! This is against the constitution!”
“But sir. This is a library.”
Bought my daughter a cheap ‘Miss Piggy’ purse but sadly it was very pork wallety.
Maybe I should’ve learned to code instead of majoring in Bermuda Triangle Studies
You’re technically never cheated on you were just in a surprise polyamorous relationship
5 year old: Mommy, did you get that kind of turkey I like at the store?
Me: Ham? Yes
By the time my CVS receipt finished printing I was eligible for another prescription refill.
Harsh but true birthday card from my parents
For me, it’s not a superfood unless it has a tragic backstory.
This holiday season, do NOT buy a giant skeleton from home depot. Adopt one from your local cemetery
her: wanna come over
me: can’t i’m at an office party
her: ur self-employed
me: and having a great time
Don’t listen to your heart. It’s just a pump receiving commands from the brain. Don’t listen to your brain, either. If it had any good ideas, you wouldn’t be here now.
Startup idea: a gym named Resolution that runs for the 1st month of the year, collects subscription fee, then converts to a bar named Regret
Me, “Alexa, make all these people leave my house.”
Alexa, “Playing Nickelback.”
How’d you get those bruises?
*remembers tripping over a stuffed animal and destroying my blanket fort*
Karate.
There are probably millions of songs in existence.
radio stations: what if we only played these same 5 ones though?
I just ran into my high school bully and it was great cause I’m doing well and he’s 17 which is very old for a dog
[planning heist]
leader: the security guard will take his break from 3:15 to 3:30 so that’s when you will-[notices my disapproving expression] what?
me: that’s when I take my break too tho
*opens assassination store*
*makes a killing*
*posts selfie with full makeup and 3 filters*
Caption:
I’m so sick, I feel like dog crap & I look sooooo gross
I won’t apologize for ripping my fridge open like a Disney Princess and a pair of French doors.
If I unfollow you, it’s because of the new follow button or because I don’t like you. Either way I am blaming the new button.
*fakes own death*
*attends own funeral in disguise*
*takes attendance*
Remember that tiny bit of constructive feedback that you went out of your way to specifically tell me not to take personally? You’re not gonna believe this
Hey guys who are angry that women are taking a stand against cat-calling, stop with all that scowling, you look so pretty when you smile!
After about 15 games, I’m starting to think that none of these fantasies are going to be final.
First rule of having a pet is to say everything twice. The second time in a sillier voice than the first.
You known you’ve been on twitter too long when autocorrect will not type ducks.