*through a mouthful of Nutella*
Oh, yeah, healfy eafing is sufer imfortant to me.
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the joke is that people say “hold my beer” before doing dumb things but I grew up around people doing dumb things and I never saw one of them put their beer down first
‘You look fat’ is both an ice-breaker and a bone-breaker
[saturday, 5am]
no one:
no one at all:
delivery truck: I AM BACKING UP!!!!
If you wait long enough to make dinner, everyone will eat cereal.
Follow me for more recipes.
*Starts cutting the chicken of the person next to me at a dinner party out of habit*
*opens briefcase and presentation about 9/11 conspiracies falls out*
But that means
[cut to my son giving presentation about cool dinosaurs]
Me: do you like bad boys?
Her: no
Me: are you sure?
Her: [covers her dog’s ears] okay yes
The bar sign said
“WiFi password since1938”
And I was like wow that’s been your password for a long time
The Fast and the Furious.
– Me, not eating after 6:00 pm for my morning blood work 😠.
I’m at a track meet watching my sister compete in weight throw and shot put, and I’m wondering what is going to hurt tomorrow from sitting on the bleachers 😂
Whenever I meet a new baby, I stand still and let it come up to me and smell my hand first before I try to pet it
just a heads up. i will be running around the house. as fast as possible. for the next 15 seconds. i will have no regard for furniture. or any individuals in my way. when i am done. do not ask me why i have done this. because i do not know
If a tree falls on your Ex in the woods, and no one hears it, still get rid of the chainsaw just in case.
Kids going as Batman for Halloween should not be accompanied by parents unless those parents are dressed as ghosts
I don’t wanna get too political here, but I plan on voting for whichever candidate will do something about Meghan Trainor.
[At a Christening]
Priest: I now pronounce you Chris and Chris. You may kiss the Chris.
Guests: *chanting* Chris Chris Chris.
Terrifying if literal: keeping your eyes peeled.
Prom tip: DON’T HAVE A BABY
I hope this year they have the courage to legalize diarrhea.
Only 2 more days till the day after tomorrow
Days after my plane crashed, I find a phone. Thankfully, it has enough battery for me to go online & argue with strangers. I remain stranded
I don’t want to be a millionaire, I just want enough money to be able to stare off into the distance while pumping gas.
me: [breaks long awkward silence] “so what do you do for a living?”
taxi driver: [just looks at me]
Thinking about the time a professor commented ‘please justify in the final version’ on my draft and I spent around a 1000 words justifying what I wrote but turns out all she wanted was for me to justify the text alignment 😭
You guys beat up on Catholicism, but any time you need an exorcism, there you are dialing up the rectory.
When I gave up sugar for Lent, I didn’t know I was also giving up travel, sex, human interaction, public gatherings, movies, drinking alone, peace of mind and sanity. I want sugar back.
Wanna live a long life? Get married. I guarantee you’ll change your mind real quick.
WIFE: I need a new book. Something to really get my teeth into
ME: You’re thinking of a sandwich
Hey babe i wanted to marry you but i had to ask your dad first and he said yes so i guess i’m marrying your dad
LEAVE ME ALONE GRANDMA I’M ENTERTAINING LITERALLY TENS OF PEOPLE ON THE INTERNET