That blue kool-aid that barbers keep their combs in tastes funny.
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FRIEND: Your kitchen looks great
ME: Wanna see the new garbage disposal?
FRIEND: Sure
ME: [opening cupboard to reveal a large raccoon napping] His name is Boris
COP: Nobody on the main floor. Let’s check upsta–
GIRAFFE COP: Nobody upstairs
Mickey Mouse’s pants out of context look like something that would try to kill Mario.
*on a first date*
Her: so nice to finally be out with someone normal
Me: aw thanks
*turns to the waiter*
Me: do you have pony meat
I don’t wish mean people any harm but maybe they would be happier if they moved to that nice farm my parents took my dog to when I was 5.
WHEN YOU’RE A GHOST, YOU CAN:
1. Float through walls!
2. Find a body in the wall!
3. Wait, that’s you.
4. But then who did they bury in your grave?
5. Solve mysteries!
Subway only exists because we’re all too damn lazy to throw a sandwich together.
“Could you lay meat on that bread for me? Here’s $8.”
I’ll have a salad but on top of a burger with cheese
“So you want a cheeseburger?”
Yes but when you bring it to me say here’s your salad
[ interview at funeral home ]
director: are you ok being around death
me: *picturing all my houseplants* yes
My kids ask the dumbest questions in the car like would you eat your arms if they were pickles? Like obviously the answer is yes.
What they’re actually saying is “I can’t even [finish this sentence due to the complexities of being a white girl on the existential level]”
Be careful insulting me. Two and a half weeks later I will come back with a burn that will leave you REELING
Hiding the bank statement from your husband is the new hiding your report card from your parents.
Me: Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned. A big one.
Priest: Murder, my child?
Me: Worse. Pronounced the ‘t’ in often.
Priest: *gasp*
I normally have a decent sense of direction but when I leave the exam room at a doctor’s office and have to find my way to the exit I’m suddenly Harry Potter in the Hedge Maze
Fear not, ugly caterpillar. For one day you will become a beautiful butterfly
[emerges from cocoon]
AH WTF I’M A MOTH THIS IS BULLSHIT
If you rub chop sticks together its a sign of disrespect but if you use them to play a bitching drum solo much honor will come your way
Debbie on Facebook tagged me in some game and said “don’t disappoint me” so I blocked her.
Walked outside to say hello to the owl and the neighbor thought I was saying hi to him.
If you think a woman is speaking to you, look around and make sure she isn’t talking into a tree. She is probably actually speaking to an owl.
Don’t try tell me how many months old your child is. I only recognize:
A. Potato phase
B. Shrieking pterodactyl phase
C. Tiny drunk person phase
“I’ll NEVER forget that one time you wrote a word in all caps”
-my phone
First, there was Planking, then Owling and Milking, now there’s Harlem Shaking. If the next trend could be Thinking, that would be great.
sometimes I throw random produce into my basket at the grocery store so I don’t look like an 8 year old who just got an advance on their allowance
Welcome to your 40’s. Each year, you need to hold your phone another inch farther from your face.
[date]
HER: no more Scooby Doo imitations
ME: ok
WAITER: today’s special is baby octopus
ME: [Shaggy voice] zoinks
HER: I’m done
ME: ruh roh
Me: hey girl r u an earthquake
Her: aw bc I rock ur world?
Me: no bc your unpredictability threatens the entire foundation of my existence
me: *sees a dead bird* this is a bad omen
wife: you’re ruining thanksgiving
Just landed my first triple axel tripping over the cat
Sometimes I try to reason with people, but invariably they start talking again.