do people who back up into parking spots also back up into elevators
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Me: It’ll just make mom grumpy, so don’t tell her that the dishwa…..
4 year old: MOM! DISHWASHER’S BROKEN!
I just clipped my little toe on patio furniture. Prayers needed for my husband who rearranged everything without telling me.
“Oh, that shirt had buttons.”–me, at bath time right after I pull my kid’s head off
The best way to express your disagreement is by slapping people with a fish.
What’s sadder, the end of “Titanic” or my son’s face when I ask him to explain Bitcoin again?
My kids just took a DNA test…turns out they’re 100% not listening.
Interviewer: Are you a natural leader?
Me: *steps out of his office* Sweet Caroline…
Everyone: BOM BOM BOM
Interviewer: Damn you’re good.
When your lack of sheepdog experience is cruelly exposed on your first day.
Fire at the cannabis dispensary. Witnesses described it as super chill.
HER: It’s a gender reveal party.
ME: To tell the sex of the baby.
HER: You have to stop calling it a sex party.
The key to house hunting is knowing that the house is more afraid of you than you are of it.
My son just asked me if bears are dogs or cats and I laughed for a second and then was like damn I don’t know buddy
War & Peace
best first i’ve ever seen
Me: Tonight we dine like kings!
*checks wallet*
Me: Like burger kings!
my dad when a sex scene comes on
If my girlfriend hired cheaters they’d just tell her “the whole goddamn day, he looked up from his phone twice and once it was to sneeze”
why is covid-19 trending does anyone know
ufo crew: why are we hovering?
ufo captain: i wanna pet those dogs
ufo crew: why not land?
ufo cap: those talking monkeys are annoying af
Freezing cake does not impede eating.
Stiff calories are still delicious.
Anonymously I asked kids (aged 6) to write new years resolutions. Here are some favorites…
“Eat more butter”
“Build a mud hut”
“Learn to drive”
“Try my hardest at everything but not maths”
“Make a new language”
“Invent Google”
I’d like to see the dollar store get a liquor license.
“What if it makes me look stupid,” she said redundantly.
Gurl are you Quantum Mechanics ’cause you got 10 different interpretations of everything, none of which fully corresponds with reality.
does the “apple a day keeps the doctor away” thing work on all types of doctors? my neighbor is a PhD in marine biology and keeps trying to talk to me about the various uses of squid ink
Me: what do want for your birthday
Friend: just a gift card or some shit
Me, at the party: *with a gross smelling gift* I think you’ll love it
[on a test drive]
Me: Haha the heated seat feels like I peed my pants!
Dealer: This car doesn’t have heated seats.
Me: Does it have napkins?
When beer and cheese isn’t the answer… Change the question
Did you hear about how people in Athens don’t even wake up until noon?
They say dawn is pretty tough on Greece.
Top uses for a bathroom exhaust fan:
3. Remove moisture from the air
2. Remove odor from the air
1. Cover up disgusting sounds