*Knocks on Misery’s door*
Me: Hey! I heard you love company.
Misery *through mail slot*: not you
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One time I brought a friend perfume, and later we had a huge falling out. Yes, I was sad, but I also imagined her throwing out her gift and a raccoon finding it. And oddly enough a fancy raccoon wandering around San Francisco wearing YSL perfume makes a lot of things better.
My family: u about to go to work???
Me in my work clothes:
walk through life confidently like a NYer does through a red crosswalk signal
“You scratch my back and I’ll scratch yours.”
Me: Are you sure you passed dermatology school?
[Breaking up]
It’s not you, I’m just trying to focus more on Batman now.
pls suprot
Become a parent, so you, too, can be accused of putting too much yolk in an egg.
Apparently “never hesitate to tell her you love her” does not include yelling it through her window at 3am, I know this now.
“Have you seen my dog? He drove away from home…”
In the new Star Wars film, Han Solo goes to Chewbacca’s home planet and discovers that all the other Wookies wear pants.
Lmao my first taste of adulthood was learning you had to actually pay for Microsoft office. I had be using it for free my whole life as a student. It didn’t even occur to me it cost money to have it at home
My roommate went on a bumble date and was nervous so decided to pound shots in her car once she got to the place they were meeting and the guy was parked next to her and watched her chug vodka for 5 minutes.
Dating is rough.
Paris Hilton is suddenly a DJ?
Well. Then I’m a dragon.
Oh wow. It’s so big. Size really does matter. I love it so much.
~my new handbag
Me: I’m Gen-X
Niece: *giggling* oh so you’re in the X-Men now
Me: No, it means I…
Niece: *full laughter* Captain Sweater Vest
axl rose is morphing more and more into elon musk and i am uncomfortable
my coworker told me she caught a cold from me that i faked
GIRL: Dad, I want you to meet my boyfriend
DAD: Your bf is a bald eagle?
BALD EAGLE: *adjusting toupee* I’m just a regular eagle actually
When I lift one of my dog’s muddy paws to clean it he acts like he’s gonna fall down. DOG YOU STILL GOT 3 LEGS. I ONLY GOT 2
Smoothies- the art of selling half a banana and a peach for £3.50.
#RubbishJokes #JokeDay
#FridayVibe
Is it smoky eye or were you wearing mascara and your eyes got itchy?
My wife and I have our calendars synced to both of our phones.
I forgot I have a gynecologist appointment next Thursday.
“NO, YOU CANNOT HAVE CANDY FOR BREAKFAST!” my children yell at me.
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: So he had grey hair, medium build, grey eyes, no glasses, a grey suit and grey shoes?
DOG: Correct
I’m sorry, but pouring some sugar on someone just sounds like a housekeeping nightmare.
When Sting dies I’m calling him Stung.
Husband, opening our kitchen drawer while asking, “Do we know where the scissors have disappeared?” Looks around and promptly closes the drawer.
Me, opening the same kitchen drawer without looking in, hands him the scissors.
Oh you hid the snacks? Sorry, I majored in finding snacks
squid in the streets, octopus in the kitchen, did i do that right?