Home improvement
but it’s just me replacing the metal tubes in the neighbor’s wind chimes with tampons.
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Today is the three year anniversary of the time I dropped a hot dog and it got stepped on before I could retrieve it. Don’t talk to me about your suffering
How do you even keep up with current trends if you don’t have a teenager in your life to ridicule your choices?
There was a pretty girl in the produce section so to impress her I bought a mango
Yet another thing they should’ve saw coming
Finding a human tooth in my fortune cookie was just the beginning.
I take no responsibility for anything I said or did yesterday.
I was young. It was a different time.
They said it was a black-tie affair. They should’ve specified that it was a jacket-shirt-underwear-pants-socks-shoes affair.
Liverpool sounds like the most disgusting place in the world to hold a swim meet.
Fun game to play at the beach…seashell or potato chip.
My 3yo wakes me up way too early each morning by singing.
So this morning, I woke up early, went into his room and started singing to show him how much it sucks.
Then we had a duet and my point was missed.
My God: dead.
My world: disenchanted.
My invitation on LinkedIn: declined.
Guy Who Invented Figurative Speech: I’ve got something that’ll blow your minds.
Townspeople: *fleeing in abject terror*
wife: I wish you’d quit breaking wind at the dinner table
me: *judo chopping the air* champions are always training
Thank goodness I’m loud and obnoxious all the time, so my family can’t blame it on the alcohol.
I saw an owl. He stared at me and didn’t fly away. I stared at him and didn’t fly away either.
[at a wine tasting]
Me: *sips and swishes*
Employee: Sir, you can’t drink inside the grocery store
#FunnyLife Insects
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a restaurant who ran out of garlic bread
saying goodnight to the group chat only to go to the other group chat with 27 of the same people
There is so much misplaced anger in this world. And so much of it is aimed at Brussels sprouts. Sad.
Amazon thinks my recent furnace filter purchase was merely the inaugural move in newfound hobby of furnace filter collecting.
USPS clerk: does the package contain any perishables?
me: ha ha no, he’s definitely dead
[god creating the beetle]
what if a bee and a turtle had sex
Just walked past two South Asian men in the street who were reading out the individual components of a full English breakfast from a restaurant menu and absolutely weeping with laughter
There’s a fine line between confidence and delusion and I ride that shit like a bear on a unicycle.
Me: I’m going to be a great doctor one day
My patient: [bleeding out] when
They just called for “Jennifer” three times in the waiting room, and I have anxiety so there was a second where I wondered if my name was actually Jennifer
I asked my son to turn down his music and he ‘okayed boomer’ me so now we’re turning off the wi-fi for a bit
I like having younger friends. They’re fun, energetic, adventurous, and then they recommend going out after 8 PM and I’m like, this friendship has run its course.
Interviewer: give me an example of when you’ve been a team player
Me: once my friend wanted to sleep with this girl but she was married
Interviewer: and you?
Me: distracted her husband with an interview