Waiter, Waiter, this chicken is nothing but skin and bones.
Would you like the feathers too?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
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Yup
Met virtually with my therapist the other day & my cat’s head suddenly popped in the screen. Therapist stopped talking, pointed and whispered “CAT”.
When you’re in a meeting and you see a cat you have to say ‘cat’ just like you have to say ‘cows’ when you see cows while driving.
<- sleeps well with others
God: Imagine there’s no heaven, it’s easy if you try
Angel: wait and lose this job security? In this economy?
You know you’re an adult when you’ve injured yourself sleeping
Dads love saying, “I can see 3 eggs from where I’m standing that you haven’t found yet.”
You know you’re from New Jersey when going through security & they only wand your hair!
me: *stabs vampire*
wife: omg
me: *beats zombie to death*
wife: OMG
me: what
wife: ur supposed to give them candy
“building-building building building building-building building”
(translatiom: structur-making tower makimg another structure-making tower)
As a copywriter, I’ve noticed more people are using ‘whilst’ instead of ‘while.’ WHILE you can use either, WHILST is formal so it always sounds pompous and full of shit. Would you say WHOMST? No you WOULDST NOT.
GUY: I dare you
ME: no
G: I double dog dare you
ME: no
G: I TRIPLE dog dare you!
ME: [realizing if I keep this up ill get a lot of dogs] no
I’m a leader, not a follower… Unless it’s into a dark place, then screw that, you’re going first.
Tell us a scary story!
Ok kids, gather around
*holds flashlight up to face
And I’ll tell you all that is evil*puts wedding tape in VCR
Me: Say that word I like
Him: Pajamas?
Whoever designed toddlers really knew what they were doing. I left my 2yo alone for a minute and he completely trashed the room and when I walked in he just looked up at me all wide eyed with his arms out and goes, “What I dooed?”
Give your Mom what she really wants today. Accept her Facebook friend request.
[Genie] Last wish idiot, impress me.
[Me] I want Morgan Freeman to narrate my eulogy [drops dead]
[Morgan Freeman] He was an idiot.
This day in history. 1810. Sweden declared war on its ally the United Kingdom initiating 2 years of fairly spiteful Christmas card exchanges.
I freeze leftovers because I don’t want to throw away food now, I want to throw it away in 8 months.
Her: I’m done with you and everybody who looks like you.
Me: What did Wilford Brimley ever do to you?
*doesnt stand for national anthem as protest against people who don’t stand for national anthem*
This cashier just held my five dollar bill up to the light in case you’re wondering how I do with first impressions.
[whispering to my wife with tears in my eyes as we watch our daughter’s piano recital] She’s terrible
(Electricians.)
People tend to overreact when they look in their rear view mirror & see you sitting in their backseat dressed like a clown.
If someone stole my identity I would be like, “Haha now you have no money and you’re bad at basketball.”
and to my great grandchildren i leave 42,567 screenshots
The beauty industry:
For men: This can be used as a shampoo, body wash, face wash, lotion, mouth wash, tooth paste, engine degreaser, spackle, or sunscreen
For women: We’ve specially formulated this moisturizer for your left elbow
I told all my colleagues at work that I have a twin so that when I see them in public I don’t have to talk to them.
jane austen understood that nothing is sexier than standing seven feet away from someone, making brief eye contact, and then going home