Man there’s a lot of flies in here
( checks pulse )
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I’m not super useful until I’ve had coffee, then I get jittery followed by a caffeine crash. At 11 I’m too hungry to think then I get post-lunch sleepies. By afternoon my brain is fried but for 25 minutes each day – I’m the best employee here and they’re lucky to have me.
[beehive]
DRONE BEE: I feel like she’s just using me
20,000 OTHER DRONE BEES: [nodding] I hear ya, bro
QUEEN: Back to work, handsome
DRONE BEES: [blush]
Could you Christian rock singers please invest in a thesaurus. I think God is fully aware by now that you think he is “great” and “awesome.”
american companies transporting deadly chemicals anywhere
Her: You secretly think you’re the most clever one in the room, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
Why procrastinate today
When you could procrastinate tomorrow
Waking up with morning wood is one thing, but waking with Elijah Wood is just creepy.
I calmed down once I stared into his beautiful eyes.
My grandma accidentally swallowed a fly. Feeding her a spider now…
To shoot someone, never aim at his chest.
Aim at his smartphone.
He’ll die faster.
Recorded myself talking in my sleep and I rhyme a lot. Somehow I’ve developed sleep rapnea.
[end of a date]
her: we should have dinner again
me: thanks but I’m full
if you cant handle me at my “bit by a radioactive lobster” u dont deserve me at my “using lobster powers to help u gain custody of your son”
*Shakespeare resetting his password*
“Enter new password.”
Fortnight
“Your password is two weeks.”
*takes picture of son putting ornament on the tree*
Okay, now give that back to mommy and don’t touch another one, okay?
me: I need to learn about clams
librarian: you can find them under C
me: I need to learn more than that
[GOP Debate]
MODERATOR: this question is for Senator Cruz. How will you handle zodiackillersayswhat?
CRUZ: what?
MODERATOR: I knew it!
FRIEND: I miss hugging people
ME: Probably a depth perception issue
Cute waiter: Hi, what can I get for you?
Me: *accidentally barks*
teach a man to fish and he’ll turn around and try to teach you to fish like he invented it and you’re an idiot
Not to brag, but I can cure my wife’s insomnia just by taking my clothes off.
She says, the kids want to go to the circus.
I say, that I just saved us $400 by jumping out of the kid’s closet wearing a clown costume.
Him: Why are you cuddling with the thermometer?
Her: Because he tells the truth, never disappoints me, and doesn’t judge my family, Cameron.
Him: This is getting ridiculous. I’m throwing that thing away.
Her: Don’t you dare touch, Freddie Mercury!
this town’s getting on my nerves, gonna blow off some steam by doing a dance routine at the abandoned warehouse
11: Why are cars delivered by ships called cargo but in a car it’s called a shipment?
Me: no more YouTube before bed.
Me: Everyone has that one restaurant they’re embarrassed to walk into when it’s daylight
Taco Bell employee, from across the street: Hey Adam!
Me: *runs away*
ME: [walking down the street clearly counting with my fingers]
WIFE: you could just-
ME: I’m not paying for another Fitbit, Jenn
Nothing says “Proper Retirement Planning” like a garbage can full of losing lottery tickets
People need to stop with the crime, some of us don’t want to do jury duty because you can’t act right.
The Pope quit. Meteor in Russia. Snowing in Arizona. Star Wars and Star Trek have the same director. Who the hell is playing Jumanji?