closure is a myth invented by big yearning to sell more sad
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5: im so bored
me: you can go empty the trash cans, put your bike away, clean the kitchen
5: im not very bored though
“google d-dildoes…” i whisper to siri “GOOGLIN BIG OL DILDOES!!” screams the phone, smashing windows in a 9mile radius & flipping over cars
water baby: when i grow up, i wanna be the ocean
water dad: with your grades, you’ll be lucky if you end up as dasani
Please stop telling dirty jokes at the office. It’s inappropriate, and you’re talking too softly for me to hear the punchlines.
ME: How are you?
“I can’t complain”
ME: Maybe you’re not trying hard enough
Reasons to not go camping No.154:
People in sleeping bags are the soft tacos of the bear world…
If a CW won’t take ownership of their mistake, the discussion about having them killed should at least be on the table, surely?
~ reason 153 why I’ve been asked to visit HR ‘for a chat’ this year.
[Doctor’s office]
Doctor: “OK. I have something to tell you. I think you should probably sit down”
Me: “No thanks. I’ll stand. What‘s up?”
*I get mauled by a tiger that was hiding under his desk
Doctor: “I wanted to tell you my pet tiger gets nervous when people are standing”
You think you’re in pretty good shape and then you shovel two feet of snow and wake up the next day feeling like you threw yourself off of a skyscraper.
My 11yo told me it was my job to entertain her, and when I protested that my only jobs were feeding, clothing and loving her she said “You didn’t read the manual did you?” And I’m like “holy crap THERE WAS A MANUAL?????”
A guy on a scooter just yelled at me for being on my phone at a red light so I yelled at him for being on a scooter
I put the Nutella in the freezer so I don’t eat it and man, what a chilled treat of a backfire that was.
I wouldn’t say I “missed” your call.
Microwave broke and I had to cook on the stove like freaking Betty Rubble.
My son told me he used “air conditioner” in the shower so now I guess he has…cool hair.
Worst things the parents do on Home Alone:
3. Never punish Buzz
2. Forget one of their kids
1. Try to make everyone drink milk with pizza
All I ask is to be buried with a walkie talkie, just in case.
“Treat Others the Way You Want to be Treated”
*Buys everyone snacks
ME: When you think about it, shoulders are just hangers for our skin suits
WIFE: Ok get off me. I’m not in the mood anymore.
[at 25yr class reunion]
Me: You haven’t changed at all!
Her: Hahaha, thanks
Me: *leans in* That wasn’t a compliment, Diane
DOCTOR: to prevent germs from spreading you should sneeze into your elbow
T-REX: oh great
If my kids & cat ever get abducted, I would have to admit to the police that I have a thousand recent pics of my cat, but, like, a school photo from last year of my kids.
My wife has close friends whose husbands are notably worse than me and I highly recommend this arrangement
My kid just said his dinner tasted like cat litter.
Not sure if I should be offended or wonder how he knows what cat litter tastes like.
I think I just went to third base with a jelly doughnut.
Shouldn’t it be spelled “Ciclops” with one i?
Me: hope ur soccer team wins the great fork
American: What
Me: the good plate
American: the super bowl
Me: i knew it was a kitchen something
Him: don’t you want your umbrella?
Me: no, my phone says it’s not raining
Him: but *points to window* you can see that it is
Me: I hardly think reality knows better than google Colin
How times have changed.
My surgeon is always late, so the anesthesiologist better not be early.