Told my father a joke on our last call. He no longer wants me to visit in July.
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Oh, you like Thanksgiving?
Name 3 pilgrims.
Water balloon fight, but the balloons are filled with mayo.
Me, in my bathroom looking at a medication that was made by a company that went out of business in 2007: I can find a use for this.
Jesus: I don’t wanna stay with Mary and Joseph this weekend
God: you know the deal, you can live here with me but Christmas & Easter you stay with them
Jesus: Christmas and what?
God: what
I don’t need a New Year’s resolution, it’s the year’s turn to be better.
Hell hath no fury like a kid watching his friend sporting the same toy he broke a while ago
Children are so giving. For example, my kids gave me a cold.
It doesn’t matter how angrily I type in my password. I am still wrong.
A REAL CONVERSATION I HEARD BETWEEN TWO GROWN MEN AT TIRES PLUS:
Man #1: *getting ready to pay* Is it a swipey swipe
Man #2: No it’s a chippy chip
Welcome to ghosts anonymous. Nice to see such a spirited turnout.
*all of the ghosts boo in unison*
My new credit card has this awesome theft protection where it just says “declined” whenever you use it.
Some people like to stir the pot…
…I prefer to smoke it.
wife: dont say anythin stupid on the way out
me: i wont
[shakes priest’s hand after lovely wedding ceremony]
me: so are you god’s boyfriend?
Whenever my kid comes to me whining about something I always tell them daddy knows just how to help.
I don’t realize how easily manipulated I am until I watch a nature documentary.
I’m rooting for whichever animal is in the title.
Sorry gazelles I know I just cheered for your survival 10 minutes ago but this is a new episode and David Attenborough tells me we like lions now.
[first day as a doctor]
patient: how bad is it
me: [forgetting the word for spine] you broke your bone rope
I asked the cashier if she could validate my parking. “You park real good,” she said.
if you mesopotamia, you better cleanupotamia
Unless:
-The house is on fire
-The cops are about to kick down the door
-Or you’re ordering foodDo NOT talk to me while I’m on the toilet
Cats (2019)
She doesn’t have a Gmail account cause all her males are hot
Who teaches the chickens to fry a steak?
Don’t talk to me about hardship. You guys will never have to refold a road map.
The guy at work who giggles every time the clock hits 4:20 can’t figure out why he keeps getting “randomly” drug tested.
Please allow children to believe in Santa. You believe in essential oils and no one is ruining it for you.
Me: *writhing sexily* So, you hot and bothered yet?
Wife: I’m definitely bothered
*limping in, covered in makeshift bandages*
Wife: Ready to admit that a puma does not make a good housecat?
Me: He’s just lonely. We need another puma.
Butt weight. There’s more!
I’m only human — unless I have to figure out a captcha, then I am unable to prove that I am a human.
My dream catcher has asked for hazard pay.